Dear Ben,

I know you'll likely never see this, but I miss you so so so much. I used to know you a long time ago, maybe 12ish years ago. Your uncle (I think, if not your uncle he definitely was a family member of yours) was dating my mom, and for a period we both lived in the same household. We used to play around together with Skylanders and stuffed animals, we'd play pretend in that house, one time you were pirate. We used to watch TV together too, and YouTube videos, and I'd watch you play video games. And most importantly, we'd fool around on my Nintendo 3DS. I'll admit, for a while I forgot who you were. But a couple months ago, I turned on my 3DS for the first time in years, and at first I was confused by your voice and pictures and videos in my gallery. Who were you? How did I know you? But then memories slowly started coming back to me, and soon enough I remembered you in full. I hate that I forgot you, it's not fair, you were a big part of my life for a short moment, you deserved your place in my permanent memory. And then the feelings hit me like a brick, the nostalgia and happiness, the warmth that somewhere along my childhood I had the pleasure of knowing you and experiencing your kindness and inclusion into your world. But along with it, the ever-growing feeling of longing and sadness fills my heart. You're gone. I can't find a way to contact you. I tried so hard, but the only person who probably would know how is my mother, and she's no longer in my life. It's cruel in a way, remembering someone only to be reminded that they're a thing of the past. I try telling myself that maybe it's good we don't talk anymore, I'm so emotionally unstable right now that I doubt I'd be pleasurable to know. And honestly, if you cared about me enough, wouldn't you have begged your family to keep seeing me even after my mom broke up with your uncle/relative? Of course, I didn't fight to see you either, and I care about you still, so I suppose that's a horrible thing to believe. I wonder what you're doing in life, what your career is, how much you've changed, what your passions are, etc. Yknow, as a child I was happy to not have siblings, no siblings meant no competition for love right? But now that I'm 19, I realize how much I long for siblings, and I realize that you were the closest thing I got to a brother. I still see you as a brother in a way. I'm in a state of grieving, grieving everyone I've lost and will never get back in the likely future, and you are one of the biggest people I grieve the most. I'll never have a sibling-like bond like what I had with you, I'll never get to see you ever again and I'll be forced along a path that diverges from yours. But I miss you so bad. I look at photos and videos of you from my 3DS a lot, and they bring me slight comfort. But in the end, I wish you were still here. I wish I could tell you about what's happened and how much I care about you and ask about your life. I want to go out and do things with you and play video games and watch TV and videos with you. I'll never stop grieving you Ben. As I write this letter I'm crying and sniffling, because I feel like things would be so much better with you and more than ever I need a brother in my life to support me. I know it's stupid, you probably don't remember me, and even if you do your memories are probably foggy and unimportant to you. But I hope that you do remember me, that you look at what we had back then fondly and that you miss me too. I also hope you saw me as a sister, or as someone special, but that's a stretch and a half. I wish I could hug you, and cry on your shoulder, and we could hold each other and never let go. Please, if you catch on to who I am and remember my name or who my family is, please don't hesitate to reach out. It'd mean the world to me, to know that I'm still on your mind, and that you want me too, even if its not as much as I want you. Above all else, I hope you understand that through those few years I knew you, you made me so happy. We had so much fun together, and I felt a little less alone. You made me feel important and loved. Even if you didn't mean to impact me so much, and you were just going through life like any other kid, you deserve so much gratitude and thanks. I love you Ben, so much, even if you don't love me back. I'll never forget you, I promise you'll never leave my mind again. I don't know how much I'm allowed to share, but if it helps you reach me, we lived in█████████ Massachusetts (I don't live here anymore), I was around 6-9 and you were around 9-12, so we knew each other around █████████. My mom's boyfriend (your uncle/relative) was named ███████████, my mom was named ██████. I moved to a cabin in ████████for some time, ██████came with me and my mom, but I still visited your house. I can't share anything else, but I hope this is enough to help you find me. I hope life is good for you, I hope you're safe and happy and following your dreams. Again, I love you, so much. Thank you