Dear to the one who gave up on me so easily, rjouba.,

i know you will never see this. i just needed to let this out after holding it in for so long, maybe months, maybe longer.
i've gotten used to you not being in my life. your absence doesn't shake me anymore the way it used to. i've learned how to sit with my emotions, how to carry my own weight without reaching for you. but somehow, the smallest memories still find me, the first time i sat next to you three years ago, the first text you sent. they still feel warm, in a quiet, distant way.
it's unfortunate, knowing we didn't work out. i used to feel like i could've given you everything, my whole heart, my whole soul but maybe Allah knew something i didn't. maybe he saw a future where i would've lost myself in you or a future that would've broken me in ways i couldn't come back from.
i don't want to talk to you and i don't want you to talk to me. i don't want to see you again. not out of anger but because i've outgrown the need for any connection between us. i finally chose myself after years of choosing you over myself, it still stings but it is surprisingly lighter. all the anger i carried, all the harsh words i said, all the rage, all the pain, they came from a place that was once full FULL of love. i truly loved you, like truly.
but the truth is now, i don't hate you and i don't even want to hate you because even hate would still tie me to you and i don't want any connection left between us, not even that. i still appreciate the version of you that once made me happy, the one who made me feel loved. but it hurt me so deeply, that now all i want is to feel nothing at all.
even when my mind tells me you don't deserve anything from me, somewhere deep deep in my heart, i still want you to be okay. i hate that i can't stand the thought of you being hurt or sad so i genuinely hope you never are.
this isn't love, and it isn't hate either. i don't know where you stand anymore, i don't know if you've moved on, if there's someone new in your life, if your feelings for me faded or disappeared or if i've become nothing to you. but if there's even the smallest part of you that still feels something, then a part of me still wishes Allah can rewrite what felt finished and if it was ever truly meant to be, he can still make us each others naseeb. Ameen.
nhebek barsha hata ken nwarihech lhaja heki, i pinky promise you.