Dear CT,

It's times like tonight when I'm home alone and got nobody to talk to that I start to think of all the things about my life that saddens me. And you are one of those things. You're not doing anything wrong, not at all, what's making me so sad honestly is just the fact we can't be any closer than we are now.

You've always been my favorite school counselor, even when you pissed me off back in middle school, I still felt drawn to you. And now even though I've graduated and it's been years since we really worked together on anything, I still feel close to you.

I miss how you used to care for me like I was important. You were stern, but your sterness just showed me that you were worried whenever I'd hurt myself, and that was so refreshing when at the time barely anybody cared about me and what I was doing to myself. It sounds horrible, but sometimes I'd hurt myself just in hopes I'd get to see you, because I knew the school had made me your responsibility. And you almost always delivered, even if the restrictions you put to keep me safe pissed you off. I miss middle school, I miss the dynamic we had back then.

Now when we speak it feels so hollow, like you feel forced to speak to me and like you don't really want to. You always sound so uninterested and tired over the phone, it makes me wonder if anything I say nowadays even matters to you. You promised me an hour call each week, and yet you only grant me 15 minutes once every who fucking knows. I did so much to keep you, filled out all your paperwork, contacted so many people, let you put me off over and over. But it's like none of it mattered.

I guess I just want to be special to you, you did treat me special at first. Gave me money for school expenses, offered to buy me groceries and take me to get things done, offered to buy me college supplies. That's not normal, right? And in that Christmas card you sent me, you said "Love, [your name]," I know it's probably nothing but when I first read it I really wondered if you meant it in some other sort of way.

I'll admit, I'll lay it on the table, I see you like a father figure to me. You're like the dad who showed up when my own abandoned me so young. I wish you could fit that role, and I know you can't, but that doesn't mean I don't think about it all the time.

I mean, were not truly working together through school anymore, so what's the big deal? Maybe we could talk more often over the phone, go out when you have time, maybe I could even stay over your house or something. I'd pay you back any money you spend on me, I'd make the time worthwhile. Its not like I'm asking for anything romantic, your girlfriend wouldn't have to worry about me. Again, I see you as a DAD.

But I know why this stuff can't happen. Because it'll look "suspicious" and then you'll get fired and it'll be all my fault. Or honestly you're just too tired after work to do anything fun at all. I understand, I get it. So I'll just keep daydreaming about what I wish we could be. I've thought of hurting myself and telling you just to maybe make you be more involved in my life, but that's manipulative, and I never want to be that way.

I fear when you inevitably are gonna leave me. Because it's already hard enough for you giving me 15 minutes of your time per week, I know by the time summer ends you'll tell me "oh LE I'm so sorry, but life is just getting too busy, I wish you the best of luck in life and you can reach out to me if you need to." That's going to crush me. It'll be like being abandoned all over again by my own dad, and I'll feel even more unlovable and alone than I already do. So maybe I can convince you to stay during my first year of college, just in case I need your help. I won't keep you around just for that, but I'll have to say it like that.

It's so hard not to just communicate any of this to you, because more than ever I just want you to hear me and understand, and acknowledge my feelings and maybe even accept them. Then I'd know I'm not a weirdo in your eyes, I'm somebody worthy of care no matter what. But I know more likely you'd politely tell me we can't talk anymore, and then you'd maybe even stop responding to me or block me. That wouldn't just be crushing, that'd be embarrassing. And I'm tired of embarrassing myself.

I doubt you'll see this, I pray to God you don't, or that if you do you don't know it's me. But I'll end off this letter with this. Even if you care nothing for me, you're an awesome guidance counselor, you actually care about helping others, you're committed to your work. You're amazing, and I hope your job never stops feeling enjoyable to you. I hope you never stop loving The Beatles, or baseball, or working out, or your dog. I hope you don't lose yourself. And I hope you realize how appreciated you are by coworkers, students, family, and friends. Overall, thanks for being here for me, and thanks for letting me stay and share so much of myself for you.