Dear RC,

I know this is useless, that you'll likely never even see this, but I need to let these feelings out so bad that they tear me apart on the daily. I'm sorry I left, I still love you even though this is our second break up. You have to understand though, you were acting in ways that you KNEW upset me, ways that were hurtful and damaging to me. I wish things were different, I wish you could've started treating me better for good and this relationship would still be on its trip to the stars. I didn't want to leave, it was so hard for me to totally disappear one random day. I constantly get the urge to message you or unblock you, I just want to talk to you one more time, get some closure and apologize. But I know you're probably angry, maybe even resentful of me, and I don't want to be the target of that, just like I didn't want you to be the target of my growing bitterness. And before I deleted my account, you changed your profile picture to have the mlm flag's colors, so I suppose you're gay now and probably didn't have feelings for me at all during our relationship. It hurts to take in, but I'm happy that me leaving for good awakened to you what you really feel, and now you really know what you want. I hope that you at least cared about me during the relationship, that you really did enjoy my company and our conversations. I hope you still care about me, because I still care about you so so so much. I still want to talk with you whenever something in my life changes or when I have weird dreams, I want to hear about your dreams and days and thoughts. All those plans we made before the break up feel so painful to remember, we were going to watch the fireworks together and watch so many shows/movies together and volunteer at the fair and be with each other next Thanksgiving. I wonder if you'd still like to do those things together if I came back. This Valentine's Day is going to be so horrible, I was really looking forward to having my first Valentine's Day where I wasn't single, the first one where I would've been happy and in love. I think about you getting yourself a boyfriend who fits what you want better in comparison to me, and even though that thought crushes me inside, all I want is for you to be happy. I know you said you "don't want to be happy" because it feels fake and unnatural, but I feel that once you sat in those feelings for so long, it'd start to feel right. And even if happiness isn't truly your thing, I just hope you live a life where you're content, safe and comfortable. I'm going to be honest, I don't know how I'm going to keep going without you. Call it addiction or dependency, but living life without you feels all wrong. On top of the constant urge to contact you, I feel so lonely and bored all the time, you show up in my thoughts so much like you're an invader. I dont have any motivation to do anything since you're gone, what type of future am I working towards? One without you, where I'm alone? What kind of future is that? Of course, I hope to eventually maybe find someone I love, but I'm not sure it'll feel the same as my love for you. And that's a scary thought. What if you were the one, and I abandoned the only person who could possibly love and care for someone like me? I dont doubt you'll eventually find yourself a good boyfriend who fulfills your needs and wants, but I'm not so sure about myself. Maybe it's the low self-esteem talking, but I feel so unlovable and unattractive that I fear nobody will ever want me. I guess I just have to internalize the good things you said about me as truth. Even thought I wish upon a star that me and you could get back together again someday (but you're gay, so that's not happening), I know that maybe despite fitting so well together and relating to each other so well, maybe we just weren't right for each other. I feel so stupid honestly, if I had just kept my feelings towards myself and not pushed you to reveal your own, maybe we would still be good close friends. Maybe right now, we'd still be talking like normal on a Sunday night, discussing how much we hate our family and want to live together some day. This feels like all my fault, I know logically it isn't, but my brain keeps trying to convince me. I miss you, and I hope you miss me too despite it all. I'm glad you did at least consider me as someone who made you happy, and I'm glad that we had so many laughs and good experiences together. I hope you have more of them with someone else. I hope you're doing okay, hope you're keeping yourself busy and having a good time with your family. I still go outside and look at the sky, wondering if you see the same thing too and think of me. It's crazy that we live in the same town and yet are so far away. It's snowing today, I wonder if you're happy about how much we're getting, we haven't gotten a lot so far this winter. I love you, I won't stop loving you even years from now. Don't give up on yourself. Maybe one day soon or far away we'll meet again