Dear Tristan,

We're not close.

Shit, I don't even know if you call me your friend to other people.

I feel like I stress so much about what a friend is in my life that I forget that friendship can be surface level, not the level my brother is at. I feel that having a sibling has messed with my perception of what friendship is supposed to look like, and I panic when a connection lingers at the surface the way ours does..

I like to call you my friend. I feel like I talk about you too much to my friends though. I don't even really know why I wish to pursue you the way I am, sometimes I set a target in my brain and do everything in my power to be in that person's life; shit, that's how I met my current best friend and why we're so close now. I guess you've become that goal for me. I wish to be in your life.

Half of the time I feel like I'm going to scare you away. I send instagram reels too often to too many people. You sent me a reel, unprovoked, not a response reel, for the first time the other day and I was over the moon. I don't know why I was so happy to receive such a small gesture of "I saw this and thought of you" if you can even call it that...

I learned your favorite color the other day. Royal blue. I also learned your favorite song on accident; I've been playing it on loop. I don't know why I'm drawn to you. I find myself wanting to be physically close to you. I like the way your face is structured, like a shark, or a Doberman... Or a snow leopard.

Am I being too specific with this?

I'm terrified to admit, even on here...
I think I like you.

And I just wish you'd notice me more often.