Dear luca. h,

i miss you so much, luca. it's been a month and i'm still hurting from the fight, though it's been so long.

i miss everything about you. i miss our starbucks debriefs and how we'd walk around the pier over the summer, and share earbuds on the bus ride home. i miss giggling at our stupid inside jokes that never made sense, but that didn't matter because we found them funny. i miss seeing that smile on your face whenever you'd talk to me about your
random little interests, and how your entire face would light up, and how your beautiful brown eyes would look into mine, and that feeling i'd get in my stomach. i miss having someone who i can go on random side quests with, and talk about stupid high-school drama with. more importantly, i miss having a best friend.

i know you're closer to other people in your life and that you have your other friends, but you were, and still are such an important person to me and i need you to know that.

it just feels like all i can do now is relive every moment we've shared. everyday since we agreed on taking a break, there hasn't been a day where i haven't thought about you.

i think about you all the time. it's like you live in my mind. i think about you first thing in the morning, when i say my prayers, on the car ride to school, in the middle of a lecture, to even when i'm fast asleep. no matter where i am, what time of day it is, or who i'm with, i'm always thinking of you. i'm always wondering how you're holding up, if at times you ever miss me, our friendship, if you ever think of reaching out, if you think about me the way i think about you.

i haven't been holding up too well for the past month. i'm not sure if you can tell, or if you know because i know word gets around so easily.
but all i want is for you to be by my side again. i haven't been the same ever since things started going downhill between us. days feel longer and heavier, and i've been crying much more recently.

i'm aware of how dramatic and clingy i sound right now, believe me. but it's not easy letting go of someone i care so much about, especially someone like you. you truly are one of a kind, luca. i've never met anybody like you, and i hate how i fucked up and how i lost you so easily. that was my biggest fear and risk walking into a friendship with someone who i'm so in love with.

i'm sorry i have feelings for you. all i want for myself is to have the ability to move on, and to let go of this "potential" mindset that's still stuck with me. i can't imagine how free i'd feel if i was able to just forget about you. but i can't, i can't bring myself to move on from a girl who was once so easy to love.

i'm so sorry i ruined our friendship. i can't put into words how bad i feel about fucking everything up. i really tried pushing down my feelings for you, i please trust me on that. i tried my absolute best to ignore them as much as i could, but the love i have for you is just so strong that it overtakes my mind, and it's all i feel whenever i'm around you. even now, i sometimes cross paths with you in around school, and my stomach still does that flip, & suddenly all our memories come back to me.

i understand that we did the right thing on taking a pause, but i'm just worried that this break is going to turn into something permanent. i'm not sure how long this is going to last. it could be a few months, the remainder of the year, maybe even forever. who knows.
i guess that's just what i'm afraid of, because i know i'm not ready to lose you, i hope you feel that way about me too.

i hope you're doing okay, and know that if you ever want to reach out, i swear i'll answer in a heartbeat.