Dear My Darling,

Hello. Though I doubt you'd find this message, I'm using petnames that describe how you feel to me, rather than what I lovingly referred to you as.

I'm aware you're upset with me. I'm aware you don't understand why. Again, I'm sorry my love. I'm aware I don't have the right to call you that anymore, but even you agree that surely, we are soulmates.

I can't help but wonder, are you eating well? I remember when you couldn't keep anything down but smoothies from Jamba Juice, with a pump of pomegranate and a vitamin and energy add-in. You've gotten better at being able to eat, but I can't help but fuss over you, not that you mind.

I see the tiktoks you send me still as well. I know you do too, as it shows if it was read. I'm sorry. Would you like me to stop opening it? Or would it hurt you more if I stop opening it, despite not reacting. I want to send you things too, but.. it's not right to, and you rightfully wanted distance after I asked for us to part.

Did you know I don't have anyone else I've connected with like this before? Even if it's sending a dumb video, I can send anything to you without fear of judgement, because you understand the humor, or societal issue I see in it. You're willing to talk about it, and anything with me. I appreciate and long for the space you provided for me, to speak without judgement, to speak and know I'm listened to, to speak and be able to have an intelligent conversation.

Darling, I'm sorry. I couldn't do it anymore. We're quite literally an ocean apart, and it just keeps growing. I can't do the distance anymore. I need someone by my side physically, not even intimately, and you refused to claim me as yours too. So when someone offered all of that to me and more, I can't help but say yes. You knew that this was a possibility, but I don't have the heart to tell you. That would be cruel. More cruel, I suppose. For what it's worth, I don't think I'll be happier. Maybe I'm in the wrong for taking on either of you to start. You, for being too far despite being everything I've dreamed of, and him, for fulfilling my needs despite the uncertainty of the long-term potential.

I would delete that portion, in hindsight, but it is a critical part.

I'm just rambling now, aren't I? I'm sorry. I love the idea of you, I love you, and I yearn for you everyday. I hope it stops so I can be present, here, in my life. However, I don't think that will stop soon, likely. I just can't handle the distance anymore. The crying everynight for at least an hour, or as much as 4 because I missed you that much. It's not healthy for me, and you bringing out the worst in me as well, that's not good either.

You almost made me turn around, metaphorically, when you said you'd love me as I am. The me you knew when we met: unbridled and unapologetic affections couped with roaring possession, a fire to fulfill your every desire, and a desire to wholly make you mine, despite your desire to have me but not hold me. Then the person I've become: sparingly affectionate yet much more open as a person, someone clinging despite the ruins around us and the forces pulling us apart. Your words that you'd love me as I was, as I am, and how I'll become, despite how broken I may be or have become, it filled a void I needed filled. But that wasn't enough, and I'm sorry.

I suppose, that's all I wanted you to know for now. Sometimes I get crazy ideas and excitedly want to call you, but now I have nobody to share my excitement and thoughts with. I know things aren't the same, and I'm sorry, again my sweet boy.

For you, I'll plunge myself into darkness and be branded as a villain once more, even if it means you'll turn away from me and seek your own happiness without me.

Maybe in another lifetime, fate will smile at us. Maybe then, we could sit and debate everything under the sun together once more. Until next time, my love.