Dear CT,

"Good luck kiddo!".

That's the last thing you told me. After I had laid my heart bare, willing to do whatever you wanted to make things work. After I had asked you what I did wrong, after I had explained that I wanted to be better and learn even if it meant leaving you. A quick "good luck" was all you gave me. And I will never get another response from you (not that I expected any) because finally I've pushed myself to block you, just like I blocked RC.

I don't understand what happened, in fact I don't understand much of anything right now. You were so kind and patient just a couple months ago, so insightful and present even as work loomed over your shoulders. Giving me money, offering me supplies, talking about small things about each other with smiles on our faces. And then suddenly you just went cold. 2 months of no contact. Coming back only to shoo me away on our first call and be completely dismissive and gone.

Was it something I did, or did something happen to you personally? Was it the effort of scheduling a 15 minute call each week? The time it took to listen to me update you every time as if I expected a response? Was it the nagging reminder emails that you yourself wanted me to send? Or me telling you I felt hurt by something you did? Or me staying way longer than you expected?

Did your boss tell you to stop talking to me? Your girlfriend? Did she break up with you? Did you get a cut in pay? Did your home burn down? Did your dog die? Your family or friend die? Did you just give up?

I'll never know, and probably never will. I prayed we'd end on a good note, one where I told you partially how much I felt for you and we both agreed to go on our separate ways. And yet you leave me with no closure. No explanation. No comfort. I know I'm not entitled to it, but I would've appreciated more than just a simply goodbye. Anything over just a simple goodbye.

I'm angry. So very bitter and resentful and hateful. I trusted you. You told me you'd be here for me, told me you'd always be here to help, that our weekly calls were fine and normal, that you didn't mind my emails. You were lying, weren't you? Maybe you felt forced to stay, believing it was your duty to help me, just like you had in middle school. But you failed, you hurt me more than if you had just said "I'm sorry, I'm really busy and can't handle a weekly arrangement." At least then you'd be being honest and respectful.

I could ruin you. Seriously, I could. I have almost everything archived, the letter where you said "Love CT," the $100 check written for me, all the emails showing you met with me under no professional standards and saying you didn't care, emails of you offering to buy me college supplies and food. I'm sure that'd look pretty suspicious in the hands of your school's principal, don't you think? I'm sure he'd/she'd love to talk with you about it, maybe even fire you. And nobody else would accept you in your job field. And maybe I could even tell your brother and mother, I'm sure they'd never look at you the same.

But I won't do it. I don't want to. Despite it all, I still care about you, even if you don't care about me. I want you to be happy, want you to still look at me in a positive light to at least some capacity. I want you to see that I took your emotional distance well, that I'm loyal and I'm independent and that I don't need you. I hate your guts, I hate your girlfriend, I hate your students, but I'll never hate YOU in the soul.

You must've cared about me, right? I mean, would someone who doesn't care give me money to help pay off senior dues? Would they help me get into contact with DCF and get my diagnosis papers found? Would they offer to buy me things and drive me places? Would they stay for over a year just to support me? Would they genuinely seem happy to hear from me and talk to me (at least in the beginning)?

I know this is my fault, I really do, I just don't understand what I did wrong. I did everything you wanted me to, even if it made me feel unheard or pushed aside. I communicated openly about my feelings and took yours into consideration over mind. I let you ignore me and make the decisions? Why wasn't that enough? The minute I tell you something's wrong, you immediately can't give me the same respect I've given you all this time? It's unprofessional and immature, yet you don't likely care considering your history of unprofessional behavior.

I love you, I really do, I still think about you and what life would be like if you simply let me be your friend and nothing more? I see you as something strange, a mix between a romantic interest and a father figure. You really were like the dad I never had for a while. You stuck up for me and my needs when I needed it, you made sure I couldn't hurt myself back in middle school. You were a truly caring man. Maybe you still are, and I just can't see it through my haze of exhaustion and overwhelm.

You truly are special, I still believe that, and I hope know that.