Dear watch me realize im a lesbian and not bi,

i love listening to love songs and pretend like im relating them to someone. i've always forced myself to like someone, why? i honestly dont' know and i used to feel so bad whenever i confessed and they didn't like me back and i felt shitty and selfish for feeling that way when i truly didn't even like them like that. i wish i knew what's wrong with me but i think im just, in some weird way, trying to prove that i can be loved.

i know im loved, i've fantastic friends and i'd like to think my family loves me but honestly they love who i could be, straight and muslim, which is everything i am not, i don't think i ever been, i've never felt either. im not sure im made for romantic relationships, i don't think i could ever be loved and actually comprehend it, i'll always make up silly excuses as to why i don't deserve and don't get me wrong i love myself.. i bit too much, if you ask anyone who knows me.

i always thought the idea of someone loving me was too much to process but now truly thinking of it, i think it's more of the idea of sharing me, vulnerably, that actually makes me feel sick to my stomach. the idea of sharing a life with someone and actually living with them, sharing a bed, a life, that always made me feel sick to my stomach. and when i think truly hard about it and see who i envision this disgusting lifestyle with, it's a man and that's what makes me feel sick. im not sure if im a lesbian or not because im still physically attracted to men but romantically? i could never. just seeing a man happy makes me disgusted, let along happy around me, beacuse of me. ew.

but a life with a woman? it makes me feel warm inside, fuzzy like thats exactly who i wanna be with