Dear yet another that got away. or pushed me away. I dont know. pt2,

. I hate saying that I don't know, it carries so many traumas in my mind. Feeling lost and like "I don't know" has always been what I think when I was at my breaking points. I talk to terpene about you. I miss indi and the fish tanks. I miss our house and driving around with you. Going to the shops by myself or with pete is awful. I think you still have some of my socks. I have one of your bee socks that I bought you in the UK. It makes me sad to wear it. I keep telling myself that I don't care if you are still with her but I do care. I feel like I was swapped out, upgraded to a person you liked more or who suited your needs at the time better. I tried so hard to be who you needed but it is hard to support someone while you are broken. I've been relating a lot more to billie Eilish songs recently. She writes about heartbreak and misuse of trust and power so elegantly. I wish I could write songs the way they feel in my head. I hate that I have learned to feel my feelings again. Like physically. When I think about you it catches in my throat and my chest pulls so tight its like I'm at the bottom of the ocean and my face gets heavy. I really need a hug. Like so badly. I don't have anyone to hug. I could ask carol but it feels like pity. My phone addiction is getting worse, I am trying to find comfort in a screen because its been the only constant in my life to have YouTube videos and music. I am a child. But not in a good way. Naive and small. The day before our meeting in denmar with my therapist over zoom, I started tracing a picture from our wedding so I could give you some art I made to try show in some way that I loved you. I am bad with words, I am not a verbal person. You already know that. You knew me so well but couldn't think about me or didn't think about me for the last year of our relationship. Then you told me you had filed for divorce and you were smiling and laughing, like it was good news. I still love you. You were so cruel but I cant stop loving you and that makes me feel like something is wrong with me. I deserved better but I wanted, I want you. I am so pathetic I know, but I want you. You could have treated me however you liked, you did treat me however you liked and I still stayed because it was you. Instead of doing what was best for me I had panic attacks and breakdowns and still stayed. I sat alone in our house for weeks on end while you were barely speaking to me and instead putting all your focus on her and I still would have stayed. I would have come out of denmar and still stayed and it would have broken me all over again. I don't think you know what love is, how it feels. Its not your fault, it is your parents and your past relationships. I loved you. I love you still. I think now I love the idea of you, the you that existed years ago, the you I hear when I read your letter. I think all of this the last few months has been one long manic episode brought on by your relationship with her and not taking your medication properly and still smoking weed. Its not your fault. I feel like so much of this is so stereotypical abuse victim bullshit like not blaming you or trying to put the accountability on you, even though you say so often you do take accountability. I think the first time I believed you at all was in that letter. The love I give is so endless and unconditional that it is to my own detriment. I loved you through all of this. I still love my first love Lois, I still love Em the ginger girl, I think I really am polyamorous. I know love this way because I was raised Christian and I did know god in that way. I know what that unconditional love is, that is why I am not Christian and believe in my own spirituality that makes me sound like a crazy person. I think I am a crazy person. I ask my therapist in every session if he thinks I am crazy and he always says I am not, which I guess is a good sign but I don't believe him. I think I am crazy. I learned to love the way the Christian god loves. When I say I would love you even if it, even if you, killed me I mean it. You could put a knife through my heart and I would weep and tell you I still love you and forgive you as I died. That makes me crazy. When I picked up the ring I still had my sunglasses on because I was trying to shut everything out because I was having a panic attack. I didn't look up from the floor. The last time I really looked at your face was the day before my MRI in denmar and then on the zoom call. It hurts so much to think that I haven't been able to even look at your face since then. I "deleted" all of the photos of you off of my phone but I saved them allto my laptop first. And our wedding photos. I cant get rid of you truly. Every single thing carries memories of you and it kills me. I was not made for this world, for this life, for these struggles. It is all too much for me. I don't want to imply I am going to kill myself, that is a big part of what got us into this situation in the first place.