Dear RC and CT,

You two have become ghosts to me. But not in that you've disappeared or faded in the background, not that you've become some scary fairy tale I tell my loved ones in the dark. No, you're ghosts in that you've left me haunted. You haunt my dreams, my thoughts, my music, my interests, my messages. And I cannot get rid of you, I don't think even an exorcism from an elder priest could drive your lingering selves from my life.

You're not the first ghosts, and you very likely will not be the last. I have many ghosts, they haunt me almost every day, making me cry from their beautiful faces and voices because I just miss them so much. I miss YOU so much. And it's a horrifying wound because every time I think of reaching out I remind myself that you don't actually miss me. Or at least, you don't miss me in a way that's tied true care and kindness, instead it comes from a place of boredom. That's why I got rid of you two though, right? I don't want any of you here if my suffering is just entertainment.

It's scary how vivid my dreams are. I used to love that, I loved how real everything felt where reality was tethered to boredom. But then you started appearing, letting me into your homes, kissing me, smiling at me like I was still that girl you two loved so much and not some inconvenience to console. And in those dreams, I believe your phantom presence, that you were really going to take me back and be better. Better for me. But then I wake up, in a messy bed that's too warm or too cold, my phone as dry as a dessert and my loneliness the only company available. And then I think about how if I ever do show up in either of your dreams, I likely mean little to nothing in them, just another nobody who you won't miss or fight for.

And then I listen to music. My name MEANS music, how could I not listen to it? But your hands have left their fingerprints all over my playlists. Songs you recommended me, songs that remind me of you, The Beatles. Genuinely, I wouldn't have even figured out I loved The Beatles so much if it were for you CT, but now that means every time I listen to their songs, I remember it's your fault I love them so much. All three of us, our music tastes are so similar, and I wonder if maybe there's a faint trace of me in some of the music you drown yourself in too.

I'm so embarrassed honestly. Getting close to anyone always hurts, I should've never messaged you the day before my birthday, and should've never messaged you at the start of my senior year. I had mostly figured out how to tolerate loneliness, how to let the ghosts stay in the background where I go about life no matter how miserable. You two came in my life and made me believe that maybe, for just once, I wouldn't have to lose anymore people I genuinely care about. Maybe we could've gotten married, maybe you could've been the father figure I've needed my whole life. But no, everybody in my life dies, not physically, but in that eventually everyone disappears. Sure, I've still got a few people left in my life I love, but I know now that they'll leave too, I needed you two to remind me of that I think. How stupid of me to think you two would love someone like me, let alone care at all about me as a person.

I gave too much of myself to you both, now you've stolen those parts of me and left me damaged. My confidence, my hope, my self-love, my determination to move forward. I'm not lying when I say I don't think I'll ever really recover, at least not fully. I don't want to talk to people anymore, definitely don't want to get close. Because what if they're lying? Or they're using me to get something they want? Or they're just bored and looking for something fun to play with? And won't it just end eventually anyways, why keep trying to connect and bond when it just adds more ghosts in my life? I have too many, and I don't feel you all as a whole. No, I ache for each and every one of you individually and fully, you are all special to me.

I should stop writing about you two. The less I fixate on you, the better. I'm talking to nobody, and nobody is listening. It's been more than 4 months since I broke up with you, and over a month since we had our last true conversation. You've both moved on, you have work, actual hobbies, family to keep you stable when you need it. If you do think about me, it's not enough to fight and be back in my life. It's not enough to reach out and check in, make sure I'm alright (because I'm so clearly not). Its not enough to actually, truthfully apologize to me, to admit the wrong and cruelty you treated me with. So I shouldn't want any of you back, because you'll just make me worse, I'm already destroyed and I can't take anymore damage. So ghosts you'll stay, maybe one day I'll see one of you again in the distant future. I pray not. By then hopefully you won't be haunting me too deeply anymore. But knowing me, you'll haunt me forever. And I'll never stop wishing the real thing was right in front of me. ♡☆♡