Dear J,

It feels like you don't even like me. Like we live together and we spend all this time together, you'll hold my hand if I ask, but it feels like you don't like me. I used to admire you so much, I still do, I just bury it down because it was agonizing to never be able to act on it. I love you so much, I want to be together forever and it feels like you enjoy the presence of another human, but I could be anyone else. It's been nearly a year since we've had sex, months since you've last kissed me. You can be pissed off and I'll hold your hand and walk you through it but when I'm made you never have the energy to handle it maturely. I have no one else to talk to but you, all our friends are busy, have jobs, my family is bias and I don't want to sully your image. Why can't you love me how I love you? You chose me after all, I had other people wanting my affection and my love and I held off, waiting for the day you'd admit to me, and when that day came I was so happy. I want that joy back, I want to feel like you want me and don't just tolerate me. I want you to call me handsome, I want you to tell me I'm doing good and not just correct me whenever I misspeak, I want you to tell me it's okay to be confused and okay to be scared. I want to not feel like a monster for wanting you, I want to not feel like some disgusting freak for liking you, but anytime we're affectionate I have to initiate, ask to hold your hand, ask to snuggle or hug. I don't want to feel like this, I don't want anyone else, I just want you. Can't you just love me? I'll change to be whatever you want from me, just love me. I'll stop anything you want me to, I'll drop any hobby, any job, any friends, if you'd just hold me like how you use to. I want to grow gray and saggy and keep each other warm. Please, if there's a Gd, I want to grow old and happy together, I want you to love me.