Dear Nobody™,

The biggest evidence I can give that I was parentified as a child is that, now at the age of 35, my parents resent me for being the first person my siblings call when they have problems. My brother has problems at work? he called me first. My sister has problems with her landlord? she called me. I have tried to keep my parents in the loop, tell them what's going on and in return, they resent me. I have heard my mother complaining out loud to her friends that I'm controlling my younger siblings, that they only listen to me. My father tried, yet words came out when he's really upset. "It's not your business to take care of them", he said. Well, you should have told me that when I was sixteen, taking care of three younger children- cooking, cleaning, meeting teachers, finding tutors, staying up all night because one of them got high fever.
Looking back, I never got to hang out with my friends. One of my high school classmate said he remembered me doing groceries list on the school bus and talking about what to cook for dinner. He thought I was quite a strange kid. I remembered my teachers always saying 'you are such a good sister' while looking at me with pity.

The worst thing about all of this is that I didn't hold any resentment or regrets towards my parents or my siblings. At first, because I didn't understand. Later, I understood too well. My parents were not doing well, my siblings needed someone, I am the eldest and I love them, so I stepped in. It was what it was. It's not like anyone in our circle even knew what parentification was. Sure, I had severe depression, and anxiety later but I recovered. I did my best and we survived. My siblings have all but one graduated, and became well-functioning adults. They have good relationship with our parents who are now divorced and much happier with their new lifestyles. All is well. No?

So why do they NOW hate that my siblings rely on me? Yes, perhaps they call me more than they call them. But that's because I have tried my best to be friends, rather than their guardian, with all my siblings after they turned 21. My parents, even though they are now divorced and refuse to talk to each other, seem to agree that I am controlling their children. Last year, my sister posted a picture of us on fb with the caption "with my biggest supporter" and my mother sent me a long text, out of the blue, how ungrateful and horrible I am _I didn't even know what was going on at first. And today, my father told me how I am too emotional and give terrible advice, and implied that I am not qualified to give advice. The advice I gave to my brother?- " try consulting with your seniors, or someone who have more experiences". to my sister? -" let me know if you think you might be in danger. I will come stay with you."

I stopped hoping for my parents' approval a long time ago. I don't look up to them anymore. However, I had hoped to have a relationship with both of them, a relationship in which we all accept that we are humans and we try our best, we do what we can and we forgive what we couldn't be or have been.

I am tired, too tired to even continue writing this letter. Too tired to be angry and fight. Too tired to keep the relationship. I want to walk away. run away. and never have to see them again.
A 35 year old, wanting to run away from her parents. Quite pathetic, aren't I?