Dear Anyone Who Wants To Read,
I looked online today at old friends I'd wish to connect with one day but all I saw was them having fun and being happy with their current friends and I realized I'll never be able to make people that happy. I've barely ever been a "fun" person throughout my life, I'm low-energy and tired and awkward and pessimistic and bored easily. Every friend I've ever had drifted away because of these things and I don't blame them. So I've accepted that I'll never truly have friends who enjoy my presence the way I want them to, and it hurts so bad but it's a big pill I need to swallow. Staying away from others is not only preventing myself from getting hurt, but it's preventing others from having to pretend to like someone who in actuality just ruins the mood. I've convinced myself that once college starts in fall for me, I need to stay to myself. Focus on class, studying, getting fit in the gym, walking around the scenery, etc. But don't make friends, because even if people act like they like me because I'm so "kind" and "smart" and "creative," they immediately aren't interested in the deeper parts of myself. I'll do group work obviously for classes, but that's all it'll ever be, work.
Maybe part of the reason I'm also staying away so much is because I'm also starting to accept I'm 1. A bad person, and 2. Not making it past 22. A good person doesn't think disgusting horrific things about others, a good person doesn't wish others harm or turmoil, a good person doesn't laze around and do nothing even while their family is struggling to hold us all together. All the bad things that happen to me are on purpose, and I've tried to change for the better but it feels like so much energy just to be better. Bad people don't deserve friends or connections, people don't deserve to deal with bad people's issues and problems. It's easy to understand. I've accepted I'm a bad person, and that'll make it easier to do what I'm planning to do.
But even though I convince myself I'll never have friends or a romantic partner for everyone's sake, it doesn't take away the longing. I'm still human aren't I? I still want to go out and have picnics and explore abandoned buildings and play videos games together and listen to music and watch funny videos and eat together at a restaurant. I want to be kissed and hugged and have my hand held and cheek touched and hair played with. I want to be told I'm special and fun to be around and talented and unique. I want to live a full life full of connection rather than loneliness. I daydream about it all because I know I can't have it in real life. But when I see someone having what I want, it makes me sick, makes me want to cry.
Even in death I will die alone even though I've always wished someone could hold my hand while I pass away, but life just has to be this way. Life is cruel and unjust, and I'm tired of it. I don't know where I'm going with this message, but idk, if you want to respond, that'd be nice to know at least someone cares enough to read this.