Dear Nobody™,

I'm feeling - just here. Nothing more - nothing less. Just sitting waiting for the sun to go down. I'm not excited, or happy, or angry, or tired. I'm just here, watching the shadows and the sun play on the wall.

It's like I'm stalling or waiting to grab the nerve to finally let go. I want peace, but it never comes. I want it all to just go away. I didn't ask to be born. I didn't ask for this pain in my heart to persist beyond having nothing. But yet my heart still beats. But with pain. I cry. I cry frequently. Not because my medications aren't working but because I literally feel sorry for myself.

If I write down all the things the I need to get done, or goals I want to accomplish, then I have to admit that I am real. If I clean up after myself, which essentially is fake and I'm pretending. I'm not showing up for myself. Why should I? Will that help reduce the dark purple bagging under my eyes?

Why was I born? What am I here for? My financial situation has not changed in over 16 months; in fact, it has gotten worse. What God or this whole universe would give and take a way when I didn't even commit a crime - kill someone? And i'm so not lying. Who is allowing this to happen to me? What God would have allowed breast cancer to take over my mind and body?

You know what? The universe can go fuck off.

Just let me go, I have nothing left to give. You took it all. I'm not going to stick around and clean up this mess that I would have never had anything to do with.

I have not positive thoughts - I can't remember the last time I was sincerely happy. I haven't heard from my family today. I'm home alone by myself - no job. No one would know.

It may be 24 hours before someone finds me. My oldest daughter is technically my heir so she would have my house and my junk to deal with. My son would go with his father since he is under 18. What if I drove off and out of the state. Not sure anyone would follow me. Actually, not sure how far I would get with an empty bank account and empty tank of gas.

I may have a better chance of completing all my suffering and being able to die, if I just let some psycho take off with me. At least that way I could have comfort in knowing I would for sure be dead. I don't have enough to shoot myself in the head. That gross and not an option.

And why do people try to save others from choosing to die over living? It's like a sick and twisted you can't do that. What if there are so many people populating the planet, that some sacrifices will need to be made.

It's ok - I just need $30,000 by May 31 to pay the house payment in retro that I haven't paid since last April. I was glad I had an FHA loan. I loved this house that was the moment that me and my 10-year-old son had made it beyond and out of the horrible divorce phase from his father.

I hate my house that no longer feels my own. I was in this house under exciting circumstances that only God himself could grant - there is no God. My God would never let cancer ruin my life. My God would never leave anyone alone and questioning their existence. My universe would share community with me and help me lift me up - because that's absolutely not happening.

Where are all the people I helped - now that I need help? Oh yeah, there all busy and can't afford extra because blah... blah. blah.

I'm not asking for help. I don't want it. I was born to suffer - suffering has been the only consistent thought-out my life.

What if you were never born?? Or do you have a good happy story to support you being born will make a difference.

Yeah, I'm done writing. Time for pills, wine, and to go to sleep.