Dear Idk,

I don't feel human anymore and I don't think I'm going to be human ever again. It sounds dramatic and maybe when you read that sentence you think I must be overreacting. What possibly could be so wrong in my life that I don't even feel like myself? That's a question that would take me an entire book to answer, so I'm going to explain this in a way that's shorter.

First of all, even since a child, I've struggled to form normal, worthwhile bonds with almost everyone I've met in life. I've always had very little friends in my life (I only have one now) and a large majority of them weren't close with me, I was just their friend because I simply hung out in their group and participated in conversation once in a blue moon. Many of the friends I truly deeply cared about either have disappeared, nowhere to be found, or no longer harbor too much excitement to hear from me again after so long apart. I've accidentally pushed many of my old friends away, either through saying something they considered rude or overwhelming them with my energy and interests or becoming too close or pushy to hang out and talk. But I had tried my best to be a good friend, to be someone likable and approachable, someone with character and kindness. I tried so hard I eliminated so much of myself just to appease people, but in the end it did nothing, they all leave eventually. I struggle to understand what people truly want, what they're feeling, what the right or wrong thing is to do/say. I look at people spending time with their friends and I feel so much longing and jealousy that it makes me sick, because I don't understand why I'm so undeserving of that. I know every friend I make leaves eventually, so sometimes when people try getting close to me I politely and silently push them away, it hurts to do but I know they only like the outer shell of me, not who I am as an individual. With family, I truly love them, but after they've mistreated most of my life, it's intertwined with hate and anger to the point those feelings almost come together naturally. I've only ever had one true boyfriend and he never loved me, I fantasize about being with someone who loves me and who I love back but then I remember that even being friends with others is impossible. I'm alone almost all the time and whenever I interact with people it's like they're talking to a question they don't truly understand. I don't think i can connect to people, and yet part of being human is having connections.

On top of that, I don't think I feel emotions like other people. Sometimes I'm overly emotional and crying my eyes out over the smallest of issues, then soon after I feel numb and like nothing in the world is reaching me, like I'm in some bubble that repels any outside stimuli bad or good. I struggle to understand basic things that everyone else seems to get with the snap of their finger, and because of that I struggle to do a lot of things other people do everyday (driving, work, understanding certain financial management, etc). I get scared by things that shouldn't be threatening (silence, spiders or insects, small noises, sudden loud noises, etc) and I have to daydream all the time and be in some other better world just to get through the day. I pace about my room and rock in my bed and my limbs sometimes twitch and I fiddle with my own fingers by making signs with them. Looking people in the eye is a lot but when I don't I misunderstand what they're truly feeling. I feel like an old machine that still runs despite the model being recalled years ago, and I dread living with someone because then they'll see all these weird things I do and realize they're dealing with someone who's obviously going to be difficult to have around.

I've totally given up on doing much of anything. I don't shower or change clothes for weeks on end, don't brush my teeth or clean my ears for days at a time, I almost never clean my room or do chores around the house, I barely take my meds and put off doing tasks just to sleep even though that's what I do all day anyway. I haven't taken a long walk in a while where it made me feel alive, I haven't worked since January of 2025, and after I graduated school in May 2025 I've been doing basically nothing. I barely hang out with family, don't go anywhere except for appointments, eat so much food it makes me feel sick or don't eat much all day long, I don't talk to much of anyone except my therapist. Even with college coming up I'm unsure how I'm going to cope switching from doing nothing to academics and being around people and getting up early in the morning and being a part of groups, high school was already a lot and drained me so much, and I just know college is going to be worse. I can't even imagine myself living on my own and working and taking care of myself daily in the future, it just sounds too much and overwhelming, like I genuinely think life wasn't built for me in mind to find enjoyment in.

Idk, I guess I knew this would happen.