Dear Netizens,

What is there to not criticize about current state of the tech industry, especially with AI? Yet, while ridicule is deserved, I too also deserve it. You see, starting from a few years ago, from time to time, I have generated sexual so-called "stories" using LLM and played with roleplaying bots.

Now just to clarify, I've never published anything written with generative AI anywhere. I don't have a so-called "AI girlfriend." I've never used gen AI to commit plagiarism, fraud, or anything like that. But the fact I had to quickly clarify that, to make myself not look as bad compared to other AI users, means nobody or I should use it in the first place, doesn't it?

I do hate generative AI. I hate how much generative AI is spammed in search results when seeking information. I hate how much generative AI is spammed in video and image platforms. I hate how platforms has shown leniency towards generative AI. I hate the push of it by nearly every tech corporation. I hate the potential that this could kill creatives or be used to fabricate evidence. But despite this hatred and with the knowledge that gen AI also related to pollution among a fuck ton of other things, I've hypocritically and selfishly generated sexual stories and interacted with roleplaying bots before, with no better reason than just for a quick fix.

Whenever the conversation of gen AI pops up, it feels like I'm a wolf in sheep's clothing. I see people online and my own friends rightfully criticizing it and those who use it. I've shared AI-adjacent stuff to be made fun of with friends. I've seen reactors and reviewers bashing talentless hacks using it to create "videos" & "books" and expressing reasonable concerns. I join in the bandwagon, ignoring my own sins. I give artists my own money for their merchandise and prints, with one of the reasons in my head being "fuck AI." Even when admitting my own hypocrisy and projection, my head goes "Well, at least I was never and still not those that claim they're an artist now!" I find YouTuber's and my friends lambasting to be enjoyable, until guilt and shame comes back to haunt me.

I... Can't believe I did this, much less admitting it. I don't know how I sleep at night or just let my life go on, but I've... Spent hours pleasuring myself and masturbated to some of these "stories" and roleplay sessions. For hours on end, too. I know. It's fucking pathetic. It's even more pathetic given by how bad the stories or roleplay sessions actually are. I can't even count continuity errors, ridiculous amount of repetition, and other shit that doesn't make sense. Obviously, I don't feel good after these sessions. I feel guilt and shame afterwards. I feel I did something very horrible each time, like I committed animal abuse or something.

I ask myself why I could have just masturbated to something human-made instead. Why I couldn't have exercised or educated myself. I ask myself why I couldn't even just write my own stories instead. All of these would have been a much more productive use for my time, and I could have written a story way better than any data output. But even with one snippet I wrote on my own, I asked an AI to analyze it to reinforce the sexual elements. I didn't even fucking write something to stand on its own merit.

I don't know what could have made me stoop so low. But... I recall that around the time I started this I also struggled with issues pertaining to isolation and how my brain takes in dopamine. I still do to this day. I also struggle with perfectionism. I'm not saying these are an excuse, but it could have been a factor. AI just exacerbated it.

When AI was really booming, I've remember people questioning of whether or not it could some form of a therapist. Yeah, from what I see of AI bros and my experience, hell no. I fail to see how AI technologies can assist a person to be come better. I only see yet another line of technologies to allow the worst traits of a person to manifest. Sloth. Narcissism. Loneliness. Ignoring the other reasons not to use AI, regardless of intention, I cannot recommend the usage of gen AI to anyone as it has made me refuse to confront my worst traits and I see how it has done the same for others. Lazy? Generate me this. Egotistical? Refuse criticism. Lonely? AI girlfriend.

Maybe I don't have the right to complain about AI or draw the conclusion above. Maybe my conclusion is ironic, given by how I'm forced to confront my own shitty behaviors due to how I've used. But by this embarrassing confession, I hope I finally let go of this stupid fucking thing I've done, and move on with my life doing things that are actually educative, take effort, and can become passionate with. For anybody reading who's done the same or is in a similar boat (because you just know I'm not the only dumbass who've done this), I ask of you to look in the mirror and realize that you're not the only loser who's done this, but also realize that you need to be better, much like how I need to.