Dear Dear nobody,,

I really wish that life was perfect. That I was perfect. And yes, you can tell me right off the bat that I'm a perfectionist. The thing is, I don't care. Or - more accurately - I do, but I try hard to give the impression that I just don't. Here's something else that I just "don't care about". There's this guy. He's been at the back of my mind since...time immemorial. Or since I met him. I admittedly never really got to know him. And I still don't really and fully know what he's like. But from what I do know (which isn't a lot), he's... well - saying I could easily become head over heels over this guy is entirely accurate here - really nice, smart, confident, fit, mature, (for the most part) knows what he wants, dirty-minded (c'mon, who isn't - I mean just kidding!), funny (THAT's important!), and even more importantly is... well, it's this inexplicable feeling of familiarity and I-don't-have-to-be-on-high-guard-around-the-guy-because.. because.. well, I don't exactly know why. He either is amazingly good at hiding his judgement of people or he just doesn't judge. The result? I'm relatively comfortable being around him (as rarely as this occurs). Is this unsettling to me, who has social anxiety, general anxiety and is just generally Ms. Worrypants 90% of the time (undiagnosed)? Yes, yes it is. Should it be? No, I am well aware that this should not be of any concern, and that if anything thinking that something that shouldn't at all be concerning is concerning, yeah that's concerning. Okay, enough with all the concernings, I'm confusing myself here! Now, as I was saying - yeah he's a pretty amazing guy (ignorance is bliss - I don't know everything about him so it's easy to say that about him). Here's where the self-generated problem kicks in - for years (maybe since the day I met him, heck I don't know I just can't remember) I have never ever EVER thought that I would EVER be good enough to even bother trying to be with this guy. Yes, that's right. It's just a mental block (that may also be fostered by some real-world truth and observations) that is stopping me from - at base level - even just well.. hanging out with or talking to this guy on whatever type of consistent (or not) basis. Here's the actual kicker; in an idealized version of life (amongst many other things that I wished had gone differently, although there's the dilemma that I wouldn't be who I am today otherwise), I'd hope that I could somehow see a future with this guy (not even necessarily as a boyfriend or anything, friends would be fine with me too (but let's be honest, I would totally love to be with him as boyfriend and girlfriend)). The other kicker is... based entirely on vibes (how reliable!!) I get the feeling that another girl really REALLY likes this guy. And, sorry not sorry at all girl code exists (and so does how I feel, which I suppose is second in priority to said girl code). So, ciao Señor Guapo! Love you lots but I guess I should love myself and my independence more. Afterthough; he kinda reminds me of the Flash.