Dear Somebody,

Today, I stared at myself in the mirror. Watching how tears formed, that I choked down. A lump in my throat. From what exactly? When have I started to feel like this? My life is good. I shouldn't feel like this. I shouldn't feel so overwhelmed all the time. I shouldn't feel so numb, so sad, so angry, so incomplete, so imperfect, so lost. When have I started to tell myself how to feel? And how do I unlearn it? I try to work on myself, I try to open up to people around me. Yet I'm scared of being judged for a past that still haunts me. A past that I try to run from, yet every time I stare at myself in the mirror like that? It feels like I'm my fourteen year old self again. In the bathroom, on the floor or in the shower. I've been clean. When have my emotions started to become so overwhelming again? I haven't had the worst life, so why do I feel like this? Isn't it unfair? Theres people going through the real troubles of living. In comparison I'm spoiled. Wait. Why am I comparing myself again? Hadn't that stopped? Hadn't I told myself I'm worth something? Hadn't I believed in that? Hadn't I clung to that sliver of hope? Hadn't I worked on that? So why, every time, when I feel worth something, why do I go and ruin that? Is it my brain that found comfort in the feeling, a habit maybe. It's like I ruin every single good thing, by starting to compare myself again. I forget to remind myself of the things I do have. And I worked so hard to get where I am today. The days that I stand in front of the mirror, what do I think about again? I don't think it's about anything really. The waves just come crashing down over me. Like I'm at the ocean, but my back is turned to the water. It's a lingering feeling. An impending sense of doom. A shadow that sticks around. But they scream loudest in the night. It's like, the moment, I stop pretending to be the ray of sunshine in front of others and get home, that shadow crawls. Crawls up my spine, into my skin, my blood, my brain. An inevitable process. Is that why my heart is always beating so fast? Because I feel deep down, that there will always be something that follows me, no matter where I go? It's patient. It has time. I do too. I don't acknowledge it. Do I run ffrom it or do I just ignore it? But wait, isn't that the same as running? Coward. Am I? It's hard to face something you've fought so hard to put behind you. But a battle won isn't a war conquered, is it? So, how many more times do I have to fight it? I want to be happy. But I also know happiness doesn't come from dependence on another human. I had to learn that the hard way. Happiness comes from inside, but what's left inside? A maze, a labyrinth. A complicated string of memories and thoughts. I tried running through it. That didn't work. I tried thinking long and hard about the way out, tried to approach it logically. But that didn't work either. Cause it's not quite logical, is it? Like a cage, but the key is around your neck, yet you lack the hands to use it. It's not everyday, is it? No, it's not. Aren't you being overdramatic then? I think I am. Then again, if I'm overdramatic, why am I feeling this way? The ache in my heart is real. The way it pounds way too rough, too fast, like it's fighting battles even my mind hasn't comprehended yet. Am I breaking my own heart? Am I destroying it? Probably. So..why does it keep pumping for me? Why hasn't it given up yet? Hasn't it been hurt enough? Perhaps.. if it's fighting that hard for me to stay alive, I should try to make it happy? But how? How do I apologize? Does it even expect me to? It's given me nothing but unconditional support. Perhaps it just wants me to keep trying? And so I shall. Every day used to be a drag. Now it's not all. It's gradually getting better. Waking up, getting ready. That doesn't sound so hard anymore, does it? It once did. Working and studying at the same time. Look at you. Properly. Not into your past, but into who it made you, where it got you. Your heart will continue beating so you can find yourself again. And you're doing a damn good job. Even when those shadows crawl into your mind, even if they infest you with impossibilities, bad ideas, pain. Does your heart stop fighting for you? No. It hasn't given up on you. So you shouldn't either. You will push forward. The memories, the pain? They will still be there. But isn't that what made you who you are? You've come so far. Don't undermine yourself. You can do it. Actually.. you already did. Didn't you? You made progress. That's big! You don't need to feel happy over night. But allow yourself to start feeling happy in little moments again. Appreciate how far you've come. How well you've fought. That's on you. It may be hard sometimes and maybe I never thought I'd make it this far. Never had a future mapped out. But right now? Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for giving me a chance. You'd be proud, you know? Of how far we've come. You did great kid. I'm proud of you for enduring it.