Dear someone, anyone,

I honestly don't know who I'm writing this for. I just want to vent it all out even when I don't even know where to start, because in the very first place, I don't know why I feel this way. It's seriously suffocating. I feel like I'm cursed to feel so deeply yet so shallow. I don't even know how to explain it. I feel like a stranger to myself, I don't know who I am. I never wanted to be like this. Some people would say I'm smart because I have high grades yet I've been studying just to pass-I'll eventually forget everything when it's not needed anymore. I hate it, I've been wanting to break free from that cycle for years but I just can't. I'm not talented nor rich to just go explore sports or whatsoever. It feels like I've tried so hard yet so little-and this nervous system of mine isn't helping at all. No matter how many times I believe I'm not scared to face to crowd, I'll always tremble and make a fool of myself. I can't even look at it through a positive lens because it haunts me. I hate their stares. Or maybe I'm just egoistic, hypocrite and insecure? I've dreamt big but all of it will just be dream. It hurts when I'm not the first in class despite saying it never mattered as long as I pass. It hurts when someone's doing better than me in the only thing that-I'm not even that good at. I'm so envious of people living better and achieving the things I want for myself, so much that it builds secret animosity. I'm fucking disgusted of myself. I can't even say at least I'm disgusted towards myself because it doesn't change the fact that I'm a bad person. I can't change how I feel and it sometimes affect how I react. It's a freaking battle to keep it all inside me-they must not know of these. It will only make things worse. Though I don't feel hatred most of the time, I mean, I even feel happy hanging out with them. But when I'm alone, all these thoughts just start attacking me. I feel like the image they saw of me is just a facade-even to myself. I can't deny that I still have hatred in my heart when I shouldnt, when I don't want to. I feel so sorry for my friends and for everyone around me. For that, I'll always be a disappointment-a failure-that even when trying to end things, I failed. I'm a fucking coward. I'll always end up feeling this way.