Dear My deeply beloved mother,,

As I type away in my keyboard on today December 18, 2025, her birthday, I would like to infrom this story also contains tiny aspect of my religion Chritianity, so feel free to hop off. Though I invite you to stay :)

The start(its a rollercoaster really) of this whole "turnover" of my life takes place in Grade 6, just a few months ago. For the contex of this story, I am a heavily picky eater and was a very lazy student, thus the average grades. On the nearing of my school's foundation celebration, I was terribly sick, and stayed like that for a few days or so till I had a checkup. I was then admitted to the hospital a day after said check up with my mother as my legal guardian.

I hated the sesnsation of physically chewing at the time since I would be constantly reminded of vommiting afterwards, this bad reaction to vomitting leaded me to being admitted.

But in the few 2-4 days that I was confined I found myself obediently eating hospital meals. This was because on one of the nights I saw my mother lying on the hospital couch sleeping. A tear fell down my cheeck while I quietly made a promise I knew would be difficult.

While my schoolmates were celebrating I had been discharged from the hospital, and for the longest time I was enviuos because of it.

But now I am Grade 7 and have made peace with it, and for a tiny moment, I was *happy*, many new challenges sprouted as I transitioned from grade school, making my mission to improve ( not just academically ) close to impossible.

My circle of friends shifted, old friendships start drifting apart. Deadlines every week or so, I was tired.But I didn't know *tired*.

It was around these sequence of events that I, nothing but a mere student, found muself in an almost constant state of toxic positivity, hyper-awarness of sonder, and on overwhelming question of *why?*.

I am not a victim of any sort of cruel crime, nor do I have lost a loved one, yet I continue to fail, to sin.

I often find myself looking at my friends and think "why cant I be like them", they had talents, strengths. Others were athletic, intelligent or popular, but me? I was just there.

My 1st semester was somewhat fine, a general average of 93.10 with one sunject having 86, yet I wasnt truly happy. Looking back, that is probably why I am so unhappy as of right now, I can't help but feel incompetent and undeserving of the blessings I have recieved.

I know that how I act is wrong, the comparison, the fake smiles, yet I cant help but think they ARE true.

I know my 2nd and 3rd semseter will drop, and I know better than anyone else that weeping over a bad grade, just like I did sowhere between 2nd or 3rd quarter will do nothing but waste time.

While I did smile in countless photots at the Christmas party today, I wasnt happy. This i knew for sure as when I got hope I was bitter, and as young as I may be I for one know that tru happiness isn't just about being consistent but to fight the urge to be negative.

( Religious content ) Coming home I stared blankly at the wall, why? Why is it that I am the way I am? I know to trust God's but would I not not benefit the world if I actually had something to offer?

Beyond this I dont know what to tell you, for nothing in present or past is for sure, but note that I want to be better.

i hope to become a better person, not just for "new yaer new me aesthetics" but for my mother, for me, and for God.