Dear Samuel,

I'm not even really sure if you remember this as detailed as I do.

Remember when I was with M and had confessed to you that "if I wasn't with him, I'd have asked you out myself"? I remember it. I wasn't lying. I wasn't trying to be funny.

I don't know if you think about that as often as I do, not that I care if you do, just that it lingers in my mind from time to time every time your notifications blow up my Instagram... I like that you send me videos now. I've always struggled to make friends, I've always yearned for everyday interaction with some specific people (you had been one on that list for quite a while) but now that you've begun the back and forth of meme sending, I feel accomplished. I like to convince myself that you call me your friend to other people.

"Are you and that girl friends?"

"Yeah"

I feel like I sound like a weirdo writing letters to people I know in real life, knowing they might never read these.

Part of me hopes you find this letter. Part of me hopes you realize that I do care about you, I think your tics are cute, I think your cowboy hat at school is the silliest thing ever but it makes me smile, I think your one funny tooth gives your face so much personality, I still remember when I was involved with M and I had called you so many times regarding him... hearing your voice on the other end of the phone was weirdly comforting. The sound of your voice feels like walking in the grass on a summer night, when the ground is still warm from the day's sunlight, but the air is cool enough to have a sweater on.

Thank you for being in my life Sam. Even though we're not the closest in person. I feel safe around you.