Dear D.R.,

I don't know where to put this because I don't want to intrude on your life now just because I need to say something. So I'm putting it here. With any luck, it will find its way to you.
I can finally answer why. Why I could never let go of things, why I went overboard when we drank, why I was impulsive and reactive and aggressive, why I acted all the ways I did that ruined my chances of you being able to be with me in the way I wanted and needed. If I could've been different back then... who knows where we'd be? Maybe exactly where we are now or maybe we would've gotten married and had a kid or two together.
Yet that was not what it was. I had my own journey to travel and that journey is what led me to my answers.
I suspected that I had ADHD, which was part of it all. I also found out far too late that I also am autistic and have OCD. The OCD diagnosis was the real game changer for me. It explained so much of what went on inside my head. Why I seemed to love myself but then would be so sabotaging and self deprecating towards myself. Why I had these images and thoughts that scared the shit out of me and made me feel like I was a horrible human being. It was why I went so overboard partying. It was why I never wanted to be sober. It was why I had so many, often hypocritical, rules and habits and "traditions" and beliefs that I just couldn't let go of. Even when I needed to because every time I didn't, it drove you that much further from me. It was part of why I never backed down when we fought and why I got so angry and verbally aggressive/hurtful.
The other part of that was because of my relationship with my dad. You knew how he was. Trouble is, I never truly let myself admit how deeply he hurt me until after he died.
That grief was so much more complex and overwhelming because of that recognition. I tell people that it felt like his death took a jack hammer to the enormously thick concrete slab I'd paved over those issues and feelings. Which was also part of my constant need to escape.
It was also why I could never take accountability. As much as I couldn't admit it to anyone, least of all myself, I took on so many of his flaws. Great qualities too, but so many of the destructive and hurtful ones. It was also part of my anger and reactivity. My trauma response to his anger both created my pattern of reactivity to aggression in others and my pattern of using anger as my shield. He taught me how to wield that deadly shield. I was too scared to understand myself to recognize that or any of the things I'm sharing now. Part of me wishes I could've done it all sooner.
The other part of me understands that it took all the parts of my life and our relationship to get where I am. I am happy now. I'm really starting to get better with consistency now. It's not every day, but I'm learning more and more how to love myself. I love that I have a marriage that's mostly healthy even though it takes a lot of work to keep it that way. I love that I have a baby; I wouldn't trade them for anything in the world. They are the rest of why I'm working harder than I ever have before to be better.
That other part of me though... it can't let go of you and the love we had. You were my true love at first sight with a passion that rivaled the greatest love stories of all time. I don't think I'll ever be able to let go of that. I'll be grieving the loss of us for the rest of my life.
I still think of you all the time. It's so hard not to. I loved you in a way that made don't think I could ever love anyone else.
I constantly wonder how you are, where you are, what you're doing, if you found another great love... all of it. I wonder if I'll ever see you again and sometimes hope that life will throw us together somehow so that I can finally know. So I can see who you've become. I don't know if you would love who I am now, but I'm confident that I would love who you are. In the words of Deacon Clayborn 🎶"I know how to love you now". I can't really know that for sure, but I do know how to love healthier now.
After a recent rewatch of HIMYM, I realized that I am Ted Mosby; which is why I probably always deep down hated him and also rooted for him to be better. Even though I had to let you go from my life, I can't let you go from my heart. You are my Robin.
I hope for you a life of true happiness and fulfillment. I love you.
Always and Forever