Dear To that one girl who came to my life and gets me to experience heaven then left.,

I don't really know how to explain my feelings for you, it's just that everything came crashing down at once at first i hated you of all people. I was jealous of your achievements thinking how it should've been me getting all that attention, all the praises, the cheers and congratulations. I hated you to the bone back then but everything changed when I got to know you better, the REAL you...not the "perfect" student or the "smartest" but the fragile you. The one whom you've been hiding under that layers of mask. You weren't perfect, you were broken to the point of being shattered, scared of abandonment and is always trying to prove its worth, always thinking that what you were doing isn't enough thus pushing yourself to the limit. I pitied you and then started caring, that caring isn't something I can easily give to someone...but I gave it to you with no hesitation at all, thinking that what I'm doing is all out of pity but no, it wasn't, I realized that far too late. I cared about your everyday life and lifestyle, whether you have eaten breakfast, lunch or dinner. What you were feeling throughout the day, were you happy, sad, tired or somewhat melodramatic about something/someone. I started paying more attention to the details about you for example, your favorites, what your dreams are, something you like and don't like and how your emotions work...I didn't know I was slowly falling deeper and deeper into the void of your eyes, losing myself completely. Back then my world completely revolves around you, occupying my thoughts 24/7, appearing in my dreams for more that I can count. You were always there...you weren't but always there...I don't know how to explain it...I was unsure of my own feelings, my own thoughts, I was lost. Since I was unsure I tried to bury them but it didn't work so I gave it a lot like A LOT of contemplation but then my mind and heart can no longer take it and admitted that "yeah...I do like her..no, wait what was that again? Love?...yeah that's right I do love her, the word like doesn't even cover it..it's love...the very pinnacle of the pyramid it's not adoration nor admiration...it's love" I know it might sound cringey but that's what came into my mind the moment I realized that I do love her and I was crazy for it, but just as I was beginning to feel it the reality struck me like a lightning...it was fast then a thought came down "so what if i do love her? Does that change anything? Does she feel the same way? What if she got a whiff that I'm into her and does not like it? What happens then? What happens to our friendship? What if I confessed and isn't reciprocated? What if our relationship deteriorates because of my mistake?(feelings)" I was so scared back then...scared that you might hate me for catching a feelings for you, even leave me for it. I was at lost...then decided that I should just hide it, so I did not knowing that you felt that same. I was happy when you're with me, even with the slightest interaction like eye contact makes me feel butterfly. Then it happened...you were being so touchy that you've forgot about limits...sitting on my lap, hugging me behind and front even kissing me...And out of nowhere you confessed that you felt the same ways which made over the moon. It was the happiest moment of my life, we were together like a dream that I never want to wake up from. But life is unpredictable your parents found out and they don't like it so they'd rather give you to a dangerous man than let you experience a love from the same sex...they told you countless lies about me, about its a sin to be with someone who has the same gender as you but just so you'd know that I fought. I fight back thinking that you were doing the same too but no you weren't, you've let their told lies consume you, consume the promises we've made, the memories, the feelings for one another. You left me...in a fight where both of us should be fighting with all our might together. You let yourself suffer the consequences, shrinking yourself whilst suffering in silence. I didn't want to see you like that as it pains me too...it pains me the most to see you like that...If only I were a man...loving you wouldn't be a sin right? It won't cause a suffering for you right? Your parents will be happy for us right? We wouldn't receive side eyes and judgements right? Will everyone accept us if i were a man? If so I will gladly change myself to fit into their criteria just to be with you...just to hold your hand, get lost into those lovely eyes and appreciate the fine art that you are...it's not just about the appearance but the overall you...Even now as I am writing this letter I find myself longing for your presence like a madwoman. If only I were a man...a man..then we'd be together even now right? If only I were born a man...