Dear RC,

Happy 2 months since we broke up. I didn't think I'd make it this far without you and I'm proud of myself for taking the step to leave. I'm happy I'm not stuck in your phases of being the most loving guy I've ever met to being extremely closed off and mean-spirited. It always felt like walking on eggshells and every time you got that way it felt like my fault. I know I wasn't perfect during our relationship, but at least I didn't actively try to hurt you, like you did with me (which you admitted yourself to doing multiple times). I'd like to believe maybe you feel at least a little bad about what you did to me, especially since your ex-girlfriend treated you like how you treated me, but I highly doubt it. I'm so glad I blocked you on everything, because if I hasn't I'd probably be here begging for you to give me the bare minimum like I had been.

I wish it didn't have to be like this, I'll never understand why you treated me so amazingly as a friend but then switched up immediately once we started dating. Did you want me gone? Did you want to stay just friends? You could've told me and I would've backed off without complaint. Would it have hurt me? Yeah, but I'd rather be hurt than keep someone in a friendship/relationship that they despise.

At the end of the day, and perhaps I've mentioned this before, you're lack of communication about your feelings really made it hard for me to do what I needed to make you feel better. You know I listen and care, that I wouldn't have judged you for having needs and wants, so why didn't you ever tell me what's wrong until it built up to a point you were treating me horribly?

And the fact you chose to hurt me at all is so fucked up. "Man I'm really upset about something regarding my girlfriend who I love to the world and back, instead of simply telling her what's wrong and talking like adults, I'm gonna totally ignore her, diminish her worries, snap at her when she tries to help, tell her she's ruining MY mood, like a bunch of Insta reels saying I want to break up and kill myself, argue with her when she even points out somethings obviously wrong, tell her she's trying to control me and using her cutting as a threat, and play a bunch of break-up music waiting for her to point it out. That's a great idea." Genuinely how long did you think I'd put with all that??? You must have known I was going to leave eventually if you kept acting that way, which just shows me you really didn't care if I stayed or left. True love, right?

I don't know if you ever stumble upon these letters and read them knowing they're about you, or if you don't even know this site exists. But what's it matter? Either way, I'll never get a response from you, and even if I did it'd either be the same fake "I'm sorry and I'll be better" bullshit or you just being outright rude and mean to me.

I don't care that you act this way out of "trauma," I've got trauma too and I still treat others with kindness, stop using your shitty past as an excuse to treat others like trash. I used to think that you were trying the best you could to be better, that you really did love me and care about me and that you'd work with me to make a life for ourselves. That's what I was trying to do at least. But it's obvious you like the surface level of love, the minute it gets deep and uncomfortable you don't like it anymore. Maybe that's one reason you have so many ex-boyfriends and ex-girlfriends. I bet if I asked any of them why they broke up with you they'd give me the same reasons I have for leaving, but honestly considering all your relationships were in middle school and high school, I doubt those people care much anymore and are actually living fulfilling lives surrounded by people who really love them.

And I need to do the same. I'm going to strengthen my relationship with my family, make more friends in college, remind myself that people do actually like me. Because I don't deserve to be this depressed and dependent anymore, I need to have more self-respect and self-love. I deserve to be happy and treated with kindness and care.

Despite my anger and heartbreak for you, I do genuinely hope you get better and find more people who love you, because I can still recognize that you're not an evil person. I love you, I miss you, but this break up was for the best. And I'm sorry if I didn't leave in a gentle and loving way like the first time, and that I didn't let you say your peace back. But I couldn't risk hearing any more horrible things from you. I was already exhausted, anxious, and heartbroken in the first place. Anyways, idk. If you're reading this, hope your taking the soon-to-be end of Smiling Friends well. 💛🩷