Dear Juan,

Being a teenager sucks. Ever since my boyfriend (Juan) broke up with me back in November 26 of 2025. My life has fallen completely apart. I have no closure except for what his friends have told me. Apparently, he called me a bop (I'm just a teenage girl.), doesn't want anything to do with me, and has moved on completely unaffected. At least... that's how I view it. As much as I hate to.
I learned a new word today. "Saudade." Pretty word. It's European/Portuguese. It basically means to long. A melancholy feeling of longing for something/someone that is absent or distant. Basically, to yearn. That's kind of what I'm feeling. It's the worst feeling in the world. I know he's moved on, I should as well. But I can't bring myself to. I'm stuck in the memories, the past, what it was like before everything went downhill. What a terrible, terrible feeling.
Have you guys ever done that? Reminisced about the past before? Silently screaming to your past self to not do or say something, even though you know it won't work. I do that all the time.
I feel empty nowadays. It's not sadness (it's some sadness), it's just emptiness, like ever since Juan left me, there's a piece of me missing, like a hole that's missing from me. Specifically in the top left cavity of my chest or right below my shoulder, so I suppose I'm experiencing actual heart ache. It doesn't hurt, it's just empty. A gaping hole in my heart, that affects everything, whenever I inhale, my lungs feel heavy, my head is clouded, my heart beat is loud, my body goes numb and starts to tingle. What is this feeling? Whatever it is, it's hell.
I wish I had someone to talk to about all this stuff, other than a word document, but unfortunately, I don't think I will tell people how I am feeling. I don't want to be put into the mental asylum by my father, or have my mother worry as if I were dying of cancer, that I was going through the same thing as she once did- or still did. Besides, when somebody asks you if you're okay or how you're doing, you know they don't really want to know the truth. They're just asking it to make small talk, and you're expected to respond accordingly, and if you are to not? They do not care.

I've finally found the song I've been looking for, for months now. It reminds me of Juan really badly. I think I listened to this when I attempted to the first time- or at least I was humming it. It's called 'Small' - Sundots. Another one is 'Dagger' -Slowdive. Great songs, it really depicts what I am feeling. "Sunshine girl is sleeping." I understand that. I am sunshine girl. I'm also very into the current joys, right now. They talk about missing someone and never seeing them again often, right up my sad little alley. It hurts. But in a comforting way.

As I see it, I've done nothing to move on. I've not thrown away Juan's necklace, his one-month anniversary card (Still sitting atop of my nightstand right next to me currently) I've not stopped quoting his vocal stims or singing the songs he once sung (Nuevayol - Bad Bunny.) (anything by king Von) (I still say "You good mud?" A lot. I still rub my hands together and suck in a breath between my teeth and do that stupid little smirk and chuckle when I say something slightly dirty.) If anything, I'm more him than myself now. Juans my dagger, and I'm too numb to feel the pain anymore. I just want to be at peace.

I just want to be at peace.
I'm still so madly in love with Juan.
I miss you with every inch of my body.
Please for the love of god just hear me out.
Please just talk to me.
We can talk this out.
We can fix this; I can fix this. I know it.
Juan if there's any way you've found this. You know who's writing it. I'll do anything to make this right. Please just reach out. And if you don't want anything to do with me. Then okay, enjoy.