Dear My first love,

Letter 1.

Time has given me perspective on a lot. At first I was angry, so fucking angry. I was boiling under the surface and I couldn't see past it. Every little thing made me more and more angry.

I was aware of my own wrongdoing but not near to the full extent.

I remember when we walked together and you talked about me and the C McC thing. You said to me "if anyone did something like that to me again, I would just leave them". I remember how angry that made me, I could feel it burn my stomach. At the time all I could think was "if I have to ask someone for the bare minimum again, I'll just leave them before I ever have to ask let alone beg".

I have a lot of thoughts on it all. I agree that you shouldn't have to go through anything like that again, and that if you do then you shouldn't have to put up with it.

However, I know a big part of what upset you was the explanation, or the lack thereof. I feel I explained myself as well as I could. I understand if that's not enough for you and you couldn't trust me after, but that is a different issue than the actual incident.

Or maybe actually not, maybe that's just me being defensive again.
We never worked through it properly, we talked but there was no actual outcome and it just hovered over us forever. Thinking about it, isn't that how everything went between us.

We talked and expressed, but there was never a clear way to move forward. I think a large part of that is because we are young, we were kids playing adult, so deep in uncharted territory.

I wish we could have realised that and found a way around it, but maybe it would have just been another unresolved issue on the mountain we already created.

I don't think either of us are to blame, and I don't think either of us are blameless. I know that your communication isn't the most straight cut - at least in the way I process things - and I have my fair share of issues.

That's something I am aware of but never fully addressed. I guess that's what these letters are for; not for you, but for me to sit with my thoughts and feelings about it all and finally process. Feel it, process it, and let it go.

I never did that though, learnt too late for us. I never fully processed anything, never really began. I put it all in that dark box in my mind before I could let it effect me. And how can I move on from something if I never even felt it to begin with.

That brings me to our biggest issue: I was never mentally well enough to be in a relationship. There was nothing you could have done about that, and none of that was your fault. I wasn't self aware enough to have realised. I was comfortable in my depression, it was all I had known for so long. I never strived to get out of it because I never knew there was an out of it. Because of that I put a lot on you, which is so completely unfair to you, you had more than enough on your plate anyway.

I am truly sorry for all that you had to endure because of me and my fucked up head. You did everything you could to support me and I will forever be grateful.

There is so much that I will forever hold dear in my heart from our time together, and some stuff that I wished had a different ending.

You fulled my life and my heart for 3 years. You were my first love. You made me feel loved, happy and cherished.

I'm sorry that it had to end, and not on the best of terms. I wish it never did, but nothing good could have come of prolonging it.

I hope you have the same fondness and love over the memories of the good times. I hope you still hold love in your heart for me, not as a partner but as that person you once knew.

I want to see you again, at least once, and pour my heart out like I have here. I'm afraid though. I'm afraid that you wouldn't want to see me, or speak to me. I'm afraid you've moved on. I'm afraid you hate me.