Dear Nobody™,

I've kind of always been alone. I'm really good at making friends and building a life but I've never had anyone that actually knew me. After decades of fighting through worse and worse bouts of depression, even a therapist hasn't felt like anyone understands me and I'm fucking paying them to. I feel like such a lost cause to myself. And its strange because everyone around me keeps seeing me succeed. I keep achieving and no one really sees that it's just a front. If I look like I'm making it, how can anyone question if I'm OK? Except, that I don't go out with my friends, I don't try restaurants, I don't try new hiking trails or even mow my fucking yard. But look at my work ethic. Look at how I've climbed that ladder. Listen to me talk about the animals I take care of and the lives I've saved and you'd never know. I haven't had anyone over to my house since I bought it because how bad it's become and I can't stand to hear the disappointment in their voice. I am actually far more of a failure than a success, but no one ever realizes. Because if I let them see it, then I have to admit that despite every effort I and everyone I love have made to not be here, I failed. And I'm spiraling deeper and deeper into this thing until someday, I have to collapse. There is no light at the end of the tunnel for me. There is no fucking tunnel. I am stuck right here at the entrance with no reason to move. No hope to expect anything more. I won't kill myself physically, but I have succeeded mentally and now I guess I'm just waiting.