Dear Nobody™,

I don't really know what I'm going to write, but I am going to be as honest as I can be.
Some part of me (larger than I would like to admit) has this fantasy wherein some stranger will happen upon this and fall in love with an unexplained piece of me upon reading it. I don't know why I am so obsessed with the idea of being loved. I have been once before but it turned into abuse startlingly quick, and it was never solid to begin with.
Enough of that - my current predicament.
I am currently fixated on "SH". I have been clean for a few months at least, but it has been a real hard time and my resistance is waning. When I feel the most alone I find that the desire builds itself up until it's almost a fascination. It brings me closer to clarity and when I feel lost that becomes incredibly tempting. Now, I know nobody is reading this and going "Wow, yeah. I think I HAVE fallen in love". Excuse the prior part it was like a confessional prelude, mkay? Ok. I want to talk to someone, which is rare for me. Usually I like to keep these things for myself but now that it's coping and not a punishment it feels more like I am warring with myself as to whether or not I give in. My friends - I don't have many - are either not close enough to me that I can speak to them, or they have bigger fish to fry. I am an advocate for issues are relative in size, but I'm talking sardine versus great white. I don't want to dangle my sardine in front of a man wrestling a whole shark. This is my alternative, and honestly it's working pretty well.
I've always liked paradoxical attention. Basically, I'm autistic and I've got severe anxiety - being perceived scares me, but I am so desperate to be understood after existing as an alien for so long. I want to be known and loved for what I am, but I don't think many people can give me that. I fear that I will never love or be loved again for that reason.
Another reason I fear that... I'm not sure how to define myself. I'm AFAB and all cis men typically treat me as such, but really I just want to exist as my own being outside the constraints of gender and sexuality. Sometimes I even consider the possibility of transitioning to transmasc, 'cause I feel that I'm not a real woman, but I can't be a real ANYTHING unless I commit to something. I'm scared that I won't find someone who loves my being without the aspects of my sex and whatnot; all the diagnostics.
Back to paradoxical attention!
I feel that posting somewhere like this is better than writing in a diary because I feel like I could be or could not be being heard. I like that quite a lot. I would love to imagine a like-minded person finding this. I like knowing that someone might see ME underneath everything and without consequences...
TO SEAL OFF!
I listened to two songs on repeat whilst writing this: "Fool" and "Free Treasure" both by Adrianne Lenker. Horribly nostalgic voice, I like her, though she sometimes makes me uncomfortable.
Thanks for potentially reading, potentially not.
Hopefully there was something to fall in love with somewhere in here.