Dear A Philosopher,

Are you what you are good at or are you what you love?

I recently just received my midterm report, and to be frank, it's not THE best which I emphasize "the" because this period of my life is the time I felt the most burnout but kept trying. Why is it the harder I try the lesser I become? What's the point of trying if it's just going to get harder? I don't understand. However, I do know what to do. I know that I shouldn't worry. I know that I probably won't remember my percentages in the next five years, or that I shouldn't base myself out of numbers (I despise numbers). But at this point, I do not care of what to do, I care about knowing how and wanting to actually do it. Every reason I find to live for disappears.

But resilience, right? Perseverance, right? Passion over skill, right? Am I wrong? I would love to be wrong because I carry this hope that there is a beauty in failing long as you choose to get yourself back up, and it's tiring. I would love to be wrong about it because I want a reason to stop and live in the way I never had the chance to because I grew up believing if I couldn't be a good daughter I could at least be a good student. I just wanna go home, but I have to find a home first. It's odd because when I got the grades I worked for it's usually a feeling of relief because I kept them stable. I'm so scared. Who am I? And people say, "you never fail" as if I'm a robot. I'm sick of people thinking the "smart" students have it easy when we can have trouble with all sorts of things too.

So I ask again, are you what you love or are you what you're good at? This isn't to feel some feeling of relief, honestly I don't know what answer will give me relief. Either way, I just want your opinion. please.