Dear C,

It ended because it had to end. You knew it as well as I did, I just took the first step away. And I don't regret the life I chose- I don't regret what I've built with him. But just because I chose him, chose a life of peace, happiness, stability, doesn't mean I regretted you. You were my wildness, my reckless youth, the one who stood laughing with me while we burned our lives down around us. You're always the devil on my shoulder. There was never going to be a happy ending for us but that was sort of the point wasn't it? We weren't in the business of happiness, what did it have to do with us? The chaos and hatred was what kept us going after all.
I don't miss you, but I don't forget you. I know you're still with me. I feel your ghost in the smell of woodsmoke and the icy cold of winter.
He is my light but you will always be my darkness and I can't be me without my shadow. Haunt me, torment me, be the whisper in my heart that reminds me of my own sharp edges. You were never gentle and I was never tamed. I will live this good life fully, I will love him and work to deserve his love every day. But when the night comes I will look for you and join you wherever restless souls go in the next life.
Wait for me there.