Dear L.R,

Its been 4 months since you left me.
Its currently one in the morning, where i have my usual ritual of crying over your immense absence in my life. Im typically in a fetus position under my blanket contemplating what made me so easy to forget but tonight i havent shed a single tear on my pillow thats probably felt enough, i stare at your photo that you dont know i have because you never wanted me to know what you looked like, even though i always knew and pretened like i didnt because you were beautiful either way. I wonder how you had the option of picking nothing and picking me, and you made the choice look so easy on the former. I wonder if when you read my message of how i understand your feelings and im happy for you, saying we could still always be friends that you secretly felt the life drain out of my fingers and puddle on the floor until it flooded my room and every piece of me got wet with it, and with water always comes damage. I wonder if you knew and still picked the nothing.
I woke up and almost texted you good morning.
It was time to eat and I almost asked what you were having and to enjoy your meal.
I took pictures of all the little things I saw today and almost sent them to you.
I played that game and almost asked you to join.
I saw posts and reels you'd enjoy and I almost sent them to you.
It was 9pm again and I almost called you.
It was time to sleep and I almost said goodnight and I love you.
Almost.
I wish almost wasnt so far away from did. The only thing i did was wait, because after 4 months i still cant reconcile that itll be like this for the rest of my life.
Sometimes i wish i wasnt alive. When im dead and six feet under the bugs will eat my heart and taste the overwhelming amount of love i had for you, the worms will enter my stomach and feel the anxiety you left me with, which should have been butterflies instead.

I miss you. I fear you will never understand the depth of my sentiment. My words will forever fall short. You are everything to me and ive run out of ways to say it.
Ill pray to a god i dont believe in and hope that one day you wont pick the nothing.

- 19 year old girl, who could never be half anything, let alone half yours.