Dear Kyomi Sacchi,

I know how we never really got a good closure of whatever we had and I know that you probably never want to even think about that toxic time but if you ever look back and want to hear my side of the story then here it is... Not everything I told you was true and not everything was false either. I did truly love you like hopelessly I did... really. Why I pushed you away despite that? Because firstly because you weren't someone strong enough to fit in my world or fight by me and I wasn't strong enough to protect you either. What do I mean by this? Well...when I say this I mean mentally and emotionally you were extremely delicate. The environment I was constantly surrounded in and would continue to be surrounded in is more...rough like deceptive and hurtful, I'll describe that in another letter. Remember when I used to tell you everything? Yes, your reactions to my traumatic stories were... something that hurt me a little, yes but also made me realise how delicate you were. You were genuinely scared as if you knew nothing of the lies in this world. I didn't want to ruin that garden in your heart and decided to stop talking about that. You didn't belong in my harsh environment. I thought I'd build both you and me to survive every storm together while still protecting your sanity...you started becoming so so dependent on me as if I were your oxygen. I was also simply a 14 year old then...what better would I know? It felt extremely burdensome after all my own storms. I was too exhausted to mom you but you simply wouldn't listen when I tried to show you how to be a little more selfish, a little more colder...it was breaking my heart seeing how you were trying to shapeshift yourself for me...I was trying to turn you into something you're not. After all...who was I to turn light into a cold shadow? So I started backing off slowly when I saw you hurting that much too. I knew you wouldn't take that lightly and so I tried to soften the blow of that upcoming heartbreak I was about to give to the both of us. I introduced you to my best friend...a girl similar to me by heart who was also shattered. And as I backed away, feeding you lies about how I manipulated you into falling in and out of love for me and how I was the bad guy and what not, she was to become your sanctuary and she did as I planned because she herself also needed a place to breathe and you, my love were so gentle that she found peace within you. What I did when I was out of the frame was indeed immature after all that planning. Yes, I got jealous... extremely jealous at the fact that you were actually letting her replace me entirely. I hated the fact that you were starting to paint over all our memories and calling her names you used to call me and giving her the song you wrote for me... I hated her then, I hated you too for that. But after months of crying over it, after forgetting to soften the heartbreak for me and spending months in the dark, I finally crawled back out of my room and slapped my brain into sense again. It was good to finally see you happy and smiling again. Fast forward to 2 years later, I'm still genuinely happy for the both of you. However my silent promise to let you own my heart still haunts me sometimes. I do not love you anymore but I cannot bring myself to even think of falling for anybody else yet. It simply feels unfair to you. You were the first friend I ever let in my heart completely so you will always have a special place in my life. If I had the option to go back in time, I would choose to fall in love with you over and over again. Because I regret nothing. I don't regret being your friend, I don't regret loving you, I don't regret leaving you and I don't regret remembering you. It is true indeed...the artist's curse to never paint their muse. I ended up losing you and you, I. My dear artist, my only and last request to you is to keep that portrait you drew of me safely...as a keepsake, my last link to you and in exchange, I'll keep the poems I wrote for you safe in my drawer. Locked away so I can no longer see them but safe and still alive.
I wanted to tell you that loving you was the best thing I ever did and I am so so grateful that you were the first I ever fell for. You're a good person...I wish only for the best things to happen in your life. Goodbye dear kyomi.
Yours ever, Libbies de adory.