Dear Mum,

Dear mummy,

its been exactly five hundred and eight eight days since we lost you. here is everything ive realised
1. it really really hurts to fall apart (as i found out in the corridor of chelsea westminster)
2. but someone will always pick you up (thank you to that lovely nurse - her jasmine tea probably saved my life)
3. the house doesnt feel any less empty with time
4. the first month is the worse.
5. punching the garden wall actually did help (but i wouldnt recommend)
6. learning italian didnt really do much but it did distract me
7. sometimes you have to fight to distract yourself because that is the only way you'll survive
8. the tomato man did know you - the first time he asked where you were was enough for me to cry in the street
9. just get through the first month.
10. grief is not a straight line - it fact it is often not in the right direction
11. one day a girl made of fire and magic will try to pick you up off the floor in the middle of m & s - let her.
12. let that girl take your hand and help you - you have to rely on people otherwise you wont survive this
13. people are always happy to support the grieving teenager
14. the first time it thunderstorms after they leave, stand outside in the rain and let it beat down on you - it really does help
15. i dont miss you even the slightest bit less - i saw this thing the other day that said 'grief does not shrink down to fit into life. rather, life adapts to grow around the grief' and i think that is so right
16. you have to let your life grow. you have to.
17. grief is ugly and painful and messy and traumatic but there is an end. there is a day when you wake up and theyre not the first thing you think of. it makes you feel so guilty, but it gets better. i promise.
18. the tomato man speaks italian, mum - we talk about you all the time. he remembers you and my god so do i. so do i.
all my love