Dear The World,

I died at the end of February, 2019, in Colorado

I couldn't pay my rent. I had disposed of almost everything either at Goodwill, giving it away, or just in the dumpster. But not everything. There were still photographs, and some few books, and things in the cabinets and closets. The property managers would just have to deal with that. I had dinner all that I could.

What I DIDN'T do was secretly leave my keys at the office in the dark hours of morning, pack the last sheds of my life into my vehicle, and drive west, abandoning my apartment and the rent notices that I couldn't pay. I DIDN'T start a 6+ year (ongoing) life living in my vehicle and desperately trying to keep going. I DIDN'T struggle to find jobs, safe places to park and stealth-camp, and small reasons to keep breathing.

I didn't do that.
I'm pretty sure that I died there instead. When they opened the abandoned apartment they found the dishes still in the cupboard, mustard in the fridge, most of the furniture gone... And me in the back room on the floor.

These last years have been a horrible dream bubbling up in a brain that's fast running out of oxygen. Just a primitive response by the Meat to keep living.

And that's good news. It means I don't have to be afraid anymore. It means I don't have to worry. There's nothing to lose, it's all just a dream. I'm already dead, and I have been for years. I just need to find a good place to lay down and be done. When the time finally comes, sooner rather than later, it'll finally be over and I won't need to be worthless anymore.

I'm already dead.