Dear Nobody,,

I have so much to say, but I don't know how to get my words out.

I fear I have no relationship with my father. This is not being said as he is not a part of my life, this is being said because we have no correlation as father and daughter, and, as ashamed as I am to say, I do not want a relationship with him.
My mother claims he is physically and mentally abusive and manipulative. Hearing that repeatedly as I mature changes my whole perspective of him- the innocent mind of my dad being a good man has shot through. It's not something I want to believe. How can you have a role model in your life be a monster? How can you accept that? How am I supposed to go about every visit knowing he is that way? And then there's the issue of genetics; inheriting my mother's fragile self-esteem and my father's manipulative behaviour creates me. What am I to become? I can already see my father's traits shining through my brother, which makes me distant in wanting a relationship with him.
Growing up is simply getting sadder; You learn about misogyny, and if you're lucky to be a man that isn't an issue for you, except it's harder to share your emotions.
You learn about all of the horrible wars and violence happening in the world you live in, the poverty, the injustice, world leaders who care more about monetary gain then the lives of citizens. Being 10 again truly would be splendid.
When you're younger, you want to be older. vice versa. There is no age where one person can truly be happy.