Dear To God and my nobody else..,

Hello reader, I always wanted to speak to a person openly about my life. Here I am now, leaving a letter to whoever you are reading.

Born from strict, unpredictable parents - it's hard to live with it. The only way I cope my problems and social anxiety is being on my phone and surf across internet everyday. The internet taught, influenced, and raised me up. From funny things to dark and personal.

I don't have friends. I have been alone all along high school. It's tough. I have more downs than ups. Even the ones I comfortably speak though, they are not my *real* friends. Just little connections I got from awkward situations.

So because of not having real life conversations and moments, the phone was my only way to cope. This is how I became weird. Weird things can be find in the internet with just one click. It's my fault for not seeking friendships. But the truth is, I want real friends. It's just that my social anxiety kills me. I have many embarrassing memories. School was and is my worst place and the worst part of my life (besides my parents verbal abuse to me).

Because of the years that passed with no one knowing what has happened or what is happening, I got used to it. Being alone. No friends, and not even a good family. I never opened up. I don't know how to open up. Suicidal thoughts have been common in me.

I have thought about God taking me. About hanging myself. I thought of my own mother who wanted to stab me (out of another traumatic hurtful words she said). I thought about disappearing. Running away. To get run over by a vehicle. Anything to get my out of my miserable life.

I never felt real love. It is earned in my family. Or take yelling if you disobey. I thought to myself why God gave me a life like this. But I have a tiny faith that He is planning something big for me. Something that will change my life. I just hope so. My depression is making me have no purpose to live this life. I even wish I could live a different life. Maybe the next one.

If you have come this far, I thank you for reading this. It means a lot to me...

If your here than that means, we are on the same boat.