Dear August 9th,

I don't know what's wrong with me. We haven't spoken in over two months, and here I am, writing out letters you'll never see because I'm too scared to actually let you see them. I know that there's nothing to be afraid of since we both got shit off our chests, but I guess a part of me thinks that we'll eventually go back to being friends, as if we can pretend everything's fine. Deep down, I know that's impossible. I can't forget, and neither can you.

I'm writing again because I see your posts on social media now more than ever, which kills me because I hate being reminded of the fact that I can't consider you someone in my life anymore. Whenever we walk past each other in the halls, I see you put your head down immediately, and you walk to class as quick as possible. I wish I was like that. It hasn't been easy to let go, and the way I'm coping is far from healthy. Hell, I wouldn't even consider it coping; I just try my best to relive our memories by re-reading old text messages, looking back at our saved chats and photos I can't bring myself to delete. Even though I took all of our posts down on my Instagram, I still have them. They just sit there in my camera roll, and whenever I look at them, I just cry.

Ever since that day we ended off on a rough note, life's been pretty shitty. It's a weird feeling. I feel like this weight has been lifted off my shoulders now that I don't have to stress about us anymore, yet I can still feel the weight of your absence. For me, it's just a lose-lose situation. I know how ridiculous it sounds, saying all this. But I guess that's just how I feel.

I will say this, some things just don't get replaced. When it comes to you, nobody can make you feel the way you did. I miss the smile you'd leave on my face whenever I'd come home from spending the day with you. I miss having someone to look forward to seeing at school. I miss having a person I could reference inside jokes with, even if they weren't funny. I miss my only guitar-playing buddy, who had the same passion for that instrument the way I did. I miss hearing about your day and your funny work stories, though I never knew anyone you'd bring up. I miss watching your dance performances and locking eyes before you started.

Nobody can fill the space you left. Our friendship was a blessing, and I'm sorry for both you and me that it came to an end, and a both preventable and bad ending at that. From what you post on social media, with your hair flowing in the wind while on those car rides with your friends, and your random fit checks that you always look absolutely beautiful in, you seem to be holding up well. It does hurt to see you seem so okay without me in your life anymore. But what matters to me most is that you're happy. I just hope you cherish our friendship like I did.

If you care, I'm writing a song about you. I picked up my guitar and got to work ever since that one phone call we had in November, when you told me I should make a song, especially with the talent you claimed was like no other. I've been working on it since then. I knew I wanted my song to be about you, to both let out my emotions, and to fulfill your wish of hearing a song made by me. I'm not sure you remember that call, but I do. Every second of it. Starting wasn't easy. Making a melody that perfectly embodies the way I feel about you was nearly indescribable, yet I pushed through and finally got something I liked. The lyrics aren't amazing, but I'm just glad they sound nice once sung.

As I'm writing this, I'm kinda in the middle of writer's block. Producing a song by myself with just a guitar and a dream is so frustrating, but I'm devoted to this project and I want to get this done before our junior year starts. I'm hoping to release the final version on August 9th, your birthday. And I hope that when (if) you ever hear it, you feel every single lyric and realize how much I cared about you.