Dear you,

I am sorry.

I am sorry I am holding us back. I have finally found the person I want to spend the rest of my life with and past choices, living as a passenger have now lead to burdens that will always be there. I'm sorry we can't have those as firsts. The children, the mortgages, the living together. I would take it all back in a heartbeat if I could for you. You are my soulmate, my person, the love of my life and I so wish I found you sooner. I now live with regret of my past self for not allowing my present and future self to be able to give her everything. She deserves everything and more. She deserves the world. And I am in that boat. I wish I wasn't having another child with my ex, I so so wish I wasn't. Mental health fucks with you and takes you away from reality and I hate myself for that. It has now taken away the chance for us to be together more in the here and now. And now I have another burden placed amongst me. It sounds awful saying I regret my children. I regret not having them with her. I regret not having the strength I needed to know those decisions weren't right for me. I spent so long living in the gutter I completely lost myself and now here I am. Working alongside my future and I can't even give her everything she wants and needs. I don't deserve her, I don't feel I am enough for her and that will always haunt me. The life she 'could' have had. The one she deserves. And I so wish it could be me who can give her that. I don't want to see her hurt. I also don't want to lose her. What am I to do? I'm waiting on variables I don't even have the answers too. Add in a mental breakdown and it's been a year that will always be remembered. I love her more than she'll ever know and I can never express that enough. I just hope I am enough for her.

Sincerely,