Dear My friends who told me to get over it,

I was 16 when I found out that my two friends in my trio had been dating for months and I was the last person they told. They said it was because they were worried about my reaction, but I feel like they just didn't want to deal with me being upset about it.

One of the girls was heavily abusing drugs and alcohol and other methods of Sh, and wasn't careful about it, it was really bad at the start of the school year and the friend group I had, because if one of the girls from my trio basically abandoned me because I didn't want to sneak around doing drugs during school.

Another friend of the girls I was worried about suggested we email a man who talked to our year about drug and alcohol addiction and issues who gave his email for any questions, I used my email with my full name for the email and we wrote it together, I asked her if she wanted to write a paragraph and she did, I signed it and offered for her to do the same, she agreed.

When she was writing her paragraph I was crying,(we were on a bus going on a school hike for two days and staying in school during the night) I was crying because it was September and I was told the day before school started about the dating, and I was still hurt and left lost, because neither of them hung out with me often anymore, nothing to do with the email.

I walked with the girl I wrote the email with for that first day of the hike, I decided I wasn't comfortable to stay at school and went home, we dropped one of the girls home, who'd I'd been friends with longer and told her, that one of her and her girlfriends friends told me they were going to report them doing drug in school, she misunderstood me, and told her friend who was staying over, the friend then tried to fight the guy who said he would report them and since he apperently was a shit liar and so I must've made it up to get him in trouble.

The next day I was back at school for the second day of the hike, I was on the bus with my friend (who I'd dropped home) and was happy because we hadn't spoken just us in ages.

In the hike, her girlfriend (my old friend) came up to us and told me that her friend (who I wrote the email with) told her about it, and that I had apparently blackmailed her into writing it, I told her clearly I hadn't, she didn't care, she and the girlfriend slowed to walk together and I was approached by other members of my old friend group, and for over 20 minutes was told I was an awful person and that they could've gotten in trouble and what was I thinking, no names were ever mentioned in that email except mine and the girl who's idea it was.

I them spent 3 hours with a girl I didn't know on this school hike, in the pouring rain, she only stayed because I had an umbrella, when we got to the end I finally found my other friends who weren't in that group and stayed with them at the cafe waiting for the buses, the friend I sat with was tired and fell asleep, for the 45 minute drive back I silently cried, when I tried to talk with the boy who said he would report them he told me to fuck off for trying to get him in trouble, when I had earlier friend to text him I overheard him go his friends saying look who it is, making fun of me, during that walk I ruined my favourite shoes and cut open the back of my ankles, and the cuts stayed for months, I went to New York for Halloween break and hoped it would be better when I got back, having friend to explain to the girl I was worried about having sent her several texts and a fifteen minute voice note explaining I had ko intention of causing her harm or hurt her, she didn't want to listen to me because she didn't care.

My friend, her girlfriend told me in several occasions that she had come back to where we used to sit for lunch and they would be in a circle gossiping about me, a group of seven people,

I was bullied and excluded for that entire year, I spent majority of that year in my old tech teacher and year heads classroom crying because he was the sweetest teacher I've ever met, he didn't mind letting me sit out and often brought me tea, I made a new friend group but it didn't feel much better.

I never explained to any teacher what had fully happened, because they would've all gotten in trouble, and I warned to protect one of my friends, they never got in and real trouble for what they did, my year heads spoke to them, after he told me that it wasn't right for me to be feeling so awful all the time.

Those people are friendly to my this year, they think I will forgive them for how they made me feel, I will not and I will never forget it either, they talk to me and ask me for help in class and all I feel it a pit in my stomach knowing that several of those people could've helped me, spoken to me but chose not to because they didn't want to be outed by the group aswell.

I honestly don't think I would've made it through my fourth year without my year head, he is still my favorite teacher and I value him so much more than they will understand.