Dear Nobody™,

Do you ever feel like you are making so much progress and all of a sudden, you fall down the rabbit hole you desperately tried to avoid, only then to fall even deeper into the rabbit hole? Because that's exactly what I feel constantly.

I thought 2026 was going to be my year. My year to finally heal from the trenches I went through in 2025. I had so much hope at the beginning of the year, I'm so envious. I wish I had as much hope as I used to. I wish I could enjoy the sweet, happy moments and not feel this emptiness inside of me, bugging me 24/7. I wish I had stuck to my New Year's resolutions and stayed confident in myself that no matter what, I would get back up.

I can't get back up.

My main goal was to lose weight since I was very insecure about my weight. And I had actually lost it by eating in a calorie deficit and working out. The problem was that it wasn't a healthy diet. I was so worked up about losing weight that I underate while working out 5 days a week after school. I became obsessed with the scale, body checking constantly, and eating less than the minimum amount of calories a day. I didn't see food as food, but as numbers. A threat. An enemy. If only I could warn my past self that it would all backfire at the very end of March when I relapsed. I stayed clean from sh for 2 years before breaking it in March. I was stressed, and my thoughts were loud. Then I started binging once a week. Then twice a week, every day, for the whole month of April.

I gained 15 pounds in one month. Practically, my starting weight, if not, is my biggest weight ever.

I tried not to spiral downhill, but no matter what I do, I always end up back in the whole. It's like reading a book with a terrible ending, but rereading it, hoping there will be a good ending, even though there will always be a terrible ending, no matter how many times I reread it.

Now I feel stuck, not knowing what to do. I don't know how to fix this, get out of this nightmare of a loop I am stuck in.

I truly feel numb.