Dear Past lover,

I need to put the weight down. Pen and paper usually get the job down, but that will probably just end up wasted and in the trash. So I'll type it out and let it float around in the digital realm. Maybe you'll read this, maybe you won't. But it'll stay here.

Even if I walked away from us unhappy, I learned so much about myself and others. I pray you took something meaningful from it all as well and I pray your scars heal evenly. I know I left them. I'm sorry.

I've waited to do this. I didn't want to put anything out there that I'd regret, especially because I wasn't feeling very kind or fair. But I sat with it until the ache in my bones turned into something I could carry with me and share with others.

I learned that the weight I carry with me is something I held long before your arrival. You aren't the maker of my demons and it wasn't fair to blame you for everything. You were good to me, for a while at least.

I'm sorry for taking my pain out on you. You were too young to be dealing with someone as damaged as me, and I don't fault you for not knowing how to deal with that. It wasn't your job to help me heal but you did hold up a mirror. Even if it took me a long time to face what I was seeing, I finally did.

I feel free. I feel lighter. I feel alive. I can self regulate, reflect without judgment, and not take things so seriously. I have more agency than I did back then and I've mended all of the bridges I recklessly burned.

I'm not perfect, but hey, at least I'm not still dressing tacky and bleeding on everyone all the time. And honestly, I feel like the girl you fell in love with again. I can proudly say that I love her again, too.

I pray nothing but the best for you and your careers and relationships. May you find someone who loves you for you, faults and all. We all deserve that. Best wishes.