Dear Nobody™,

I have to confess something that´s been bothering me for so many years...

At 21 years old I got pregnant. And I know I was way to young to be having kids, but I was so happy when I found out I cried for two days. My boyfriend (whom I´ve been with for a year and a half at the time) was happy too, so we decided to go on with the pregnancy. Even when I was unneployed and he was barely starting at a new company. But money wasn´t that big of a deal for us at that time. Well, at least not that bad compared to our living situations. Let me explain myself.

At that time, we were living at his house with his parents, because rent here is so fucking expensive it´s hard getting a place on your own. And his parents were cool with it at first. But a few months later I got kicked out of the place i worked at and struggled finding another job. And they were not that happy about that, so while I kept looking for jobs I started working on their terrain, repotting flowers, planting vegetabes, cleaning the house and cooking for all them. It wasn´t hard for me at all, but as soon as i got pregnant i was unable to keep doing those stuffs. I suffered from heavy sickness and bad headaches. I would get sick from any kind of smell and i couldn´t eat almost nothing. Sometimes, even drinking water made me wanna puke. And that went on fro months. I would take pills and everything the doctors recommended, but it was pointless. I couldn´t eat anything at all. To the point I lost so much weight.

It was hard, but I was happy because I love kids and I´m always dreaming about having a big family. So when i told my parents, they were happy too and they supported us in every way possible. And I expect his parents to be happy too... But they were not. At all. And i thought maybe it was because i haven´t been working for months at the time, so I tried doing my best even when I couldn´t stand on my own feet from how bad i felt while pregnant. But it wasn´t enough for them. They didn´t want the kid. So, they told us that if we didn´t get an abortion we would have to move out of their house. Long story short, my boyfriend fought with them but i had already accepted it and called my parents. We moved to the city my parents lived and forgot eveything about his parents. It hurt me to be treated like that, after trying my best at everything hoping it would be enough for them. And yet... It was hard, I remeber crying a lot because of it and because of my condition. But still... Tried doing my best for our baby.

Until... I was already 5 months pregnant and i had to go to the doctor for a rutinary chekout. I was very excited because I would finally find what gender would my baby be. They told me it was a boy. And they noticed the baby wasn´t moving his right leg... They checked a few more things and finally they told me he had a pretty rare condition. My whole body froze and i broke down so bad I thought i would die in that exact instant. It was such a heavy blow the only thing i could say for the entire day was "why me. why my baby". My boyfriend helped me a lot and we supported each other trought the next few days.

We went to a bigger hospital for a better check-up and they confirmed it... Our baby was sick. And he was only getting sicker by the day. After just a few days he wasn´t moving his right arm either. He wa slosly getting paralyzed from neck down. We tried looking for option and they told us we would have to go to a city on the other side of the country so I could give birth to him. And they couldn´t even promise he would live until the term. And if he would, he would have a maximum of five year living expectancy. All for a price so high we couldn´t even imagine that much money...

Long story short, we decided with all the doctors that it would be best to end the pregnancy prematurly. So, at almost 6 months old I had to give birth to the souless body of our baby... We had such a hard time, but together we were strong. The only thing that bothered me months later was that his parents were trying to get close to me now. They wanted to take care of me, treat me like their own child... They even told me that if that situation happened it was beacuse it wasn´t meant to be... And I couldn´t stomach that. Not after what happened. Deep inside i blamed them for everything that happened to us. Because i think strong desires can come to reality. And they always wished for my baby to not be alive...

It´s been five year since then... My broyfriend and me decided to try for another baby in a few years. And his parents? I´m speaking to them for the sake of my boyfriend. Now they´re asking when are we going to have babies. Deep down... I hate it. I can´t forgive nor forget. And I think I won´t be able to do it never. I don´t want them near my kids.

Dear Nobody, am I an asshole for that? Because I understand their cirmustances and shits... But i can´t get myself to forgive them deep inside.