Dear My first love,

Letter 3.

I can't sleep again, and I don't know why but all I can think about is that night a few days after we split up. The night where we lay in your bed for a while before I went back to my room.

I feel a lot of guilt about that - a lot of things really - but this is stuck in my mind a lot at the moment.

I know in that moment I was telling myself in my head that what I wanted was "one last shag", but what I really wanted was comfort.

I miss you so so much, in such a multitude of ways; I miss talking to you (whether it was important or just yap), I miss joking about with you, I miss that you knew me so well and knew the right things to say and do to comfort me, I miss the physical touch - holding your hand, cuddling, kissing, being close, and all of our weird shit - I miss being weird with you.

There's a lot I don't miss as well; I don't miss how sad you could make me feel without even trying, I don't miss some of the things you would say to me, I don't miss how overlooked I felt for a shitty game, I don't miss how much I had to remind you of basic things because you smoked too much, I don't miss crying to you and over you because you couldn't give me the basic love I needed.

I was struggling with a lot and I didn't know how to healthily cope and I took that out on you. I feel I've been regressing again, I try not to.

At the time of writing this it's been one year since Will passed. I feel so much guilt and sadness and shame. I know I'm not meant to and everyone says that but it doesn't help. You were there with me when I found out, you helped me through it, you held me as I cried and told you I didn't want to be alive anymore.

I didn't act nicely to a lot of people, and you are one of them. I am deeply sorry for how I acted and I want to be better. It doesn't change what I've done but I don't want it to happen again to anyone else. I'm really trying, I have been doing so much better but I catch myself slipping right back into it sometimes.

I want to reach out to you but I don't think it's a good idea. I think too much time has passed and I should let sleeping dogs lie. But I don't want to never tell you all of this. I don't want to disturb your peace, and the thought of it fills me with a crushing anxiety.

I just don't want to create more guilt and regret on top of everything else. I just want to be okay again.