Dear my parents,

I'm scared of the future.
I don't know if I will choose a right career path for me - something I won't regret for the rest of my life. I'm still young, living with mom and my brother in an apartment. But thinking about what's coming ahead, makes me feel anxious. I wish I could just live forever like this. That I can wake up everyday as a teenager and not as an responsible adult everyday. Even though I told myself ''everything is going to be fine'' or ''you'll be fine'', it's not fine. I feel a heavy burden on me that I need to succeed in life to make my parents proud of me. But I can't do that much longer. I have no one that supports or helps me. I'm doing this all alone and they still expect so much from me. ''Be successful and take care of me when I'm old''; ''Look at...they already did...''. No. I don't want to hear it anymore. It's always the same anyway so what can I change about it? No matter what I do it's never enough for you. I'll always be that average student that even though I study countless hours everyday. Why am I like this? Why can't I be like other students? Maybe because they have parents that help them with their school work. But me? I have to do everything by myself - I have to endure every little thing in my life without ever telling a single soul, because that's how I chose to be - not being a burden to anyone. Ever. And maybe that makes me the kind of person that I am today. Someone who can't open up, someone who tries to be independant all the time, because not even my own parents wanted to help. And I know it was hard for them too. They immigrated to this different country almost 20 years ago and they still can't speak the language properly. Even though I am so greatful to have them as my parents, I can't help but still wish for more support. It didn't need to be money, expensive stuff or the best technology one can afford. But reassurance - telling me that I can do it, that I am not alone and loved. And I wish I could tell you everything that has been on my mind lately. Everything that causes my heart to ache. But sometimes it's better to stay quiet, to endure everything by yourself. Because at the end of the day, the only person who truly understands me is myself. They never get it. I tried to many times. i tried to seek help from them but what did I get in reponse? Nothing. Not even a single drop of sympathy, not even a hug. Nothing. I know that your love language isn't physical touch or words of affirmations but why can't you tell me that you're proud of me? I always wanted to make you proud. Pushing myself, going over my comfort zone just to earn ''you can do better'' in the end. No, I can't, Mom and Dad. I tried to many times. But it won't get any better and that's what scares me. Not being able to get better. Staying like this forever. I try to look for that reassurance from other people, but I push everyone away because I only craved it from you. Even though I act like everything is fine and that I'm happy? I'm not. I feel deep hatred towards myself, because I couldn't be the child you wanted. I'm sorry, mom, that I couldn't be the daughter you wanted. I didn't choose to be that way, but I feel like my childhood formed me to the person I am right now. Perhaps I wasn't the best daughter all the time to you, and I apologize for that. But I want you to know that I tried. Really. And now I'm tired of it. What if I stop trying? Will you finally notice how much I am actually suffering? How long I actually seeked for help but never got any? Is that the only way you'll notice? But I know,deep down in my heart, that I can't bring it over my body to stop trying. Because I'm a fighter and I don't back down from anything, even though sometimes giving up seems like a easier option. I hope you'll see one day that I'm not a failure but someone who just needed love. And to my dad, I hate you. I hate you, because you never showed me that you loved me. I hate you because you make me feel like I'm not your daughter at all. I hate you because you treat my brother better than you have ever treated me. I hate you because you always compare me with other people, knowing that I could never be like that. Hate is a very strong word, and I feel bad for using it in context with my father. But that's something that I needed to get out of myself. I held onto it for too long and someone has to know how I feel, even though I'm just one of the countless strangers on here. Dad, I still love you with every bone in my heart, but I won't forget the way you treated me. Ever. Not the way how you treated mom, not the way how you treated your own child like trash. Not talking to me is one thing, but telling me that I'm ungrateful is something that I'll never forget. Because I am grateful for everything you have given me. But I still feel like a little kid that wants their parents attention. Is that really wrong? I'm sorry. I'll try harder.