Dear the little girl that lives in me,

I am sorry. I really am. I apologize on behalf of the world that was way too cruel for your liking.
I wish I lived in you, like how you live in me now. All you needed was a hug. Arms tightly wrapped around you, and a comforting voice telling you everything is going to be alright because nothing ever felt alright. I am sorry that all you ever received was emptiness and loud voices yelling at you. Know that you are not an actor. You never were. They told you that you were acting so many times that you started to doubt your own feelings. You were not doing that for attention, I trust you on that. I really do. You didn't know what was wrong with you but you always knew something was. But you will eventually come to know that it is the world that is utterly wrong. You, sweetheart, are not cursed. You are not alone. You are not going to feel like this forever.
I am sorry no one believed you, that no one comforted you when your hands shook and you couldn't breathe. That everyone questioned you when there was nothing wrong in your medical reports. That how you wished something was. That how you wished to be hurt physically just for comfort. actor. actor. actor. actor. actor. How could someone learn to act so convincingly at just 9 years old mama? how? please just tell me how?
I wish I still had the courage you did because you are the bravest person I know. The world still makes me feel so alone but I have you. I am sorry that you never had me. You wee just so scared. Just so so scared. I am sorry.
Sorry that you were so scared of dying at 9 with no one by your side.
Sorry that you thought you would not make it to 15.
Sorry that now death, the inevitable that once was too scary for you, has become the thing to provide you the most comfort.
Sorry that you now wish for it.

Just hold on. Hold on.