Dear To Myself,

I feel like I wasted a decade of my life. My late teens and most of my 20's. That's a lot that got wasted, that I have no idea about what got wasted but I know I wasted it. What on? Writing to someone to try to ensure they stayed okay. I don't hate them, or even myself though maybe I should feel something towards it to myself, because the repercussions of it are still present today. 14 or so years and counting since the start, that's a looong time to waste on not improving, not learning, not being happy, just, getting to feel stable. Always. Based on constant boredom or nothingness. That's all.

I didn't find love, adventure, people, places, all of the things that make life worth it. And yet I do want to not die. Yes, not die. I don't have a word to say about living. I don't know it, just that there should be more to live for, far more. But standing still and not doing anything, should be setting off alarm bells in me, to kick on and get a move on, not sit idle for even a second. It doesn't.

Something I relied on, my emotions, don't work, my mind barely does and hardly starts anything. Anyway, this letter is helping me to see and realize that I NEED to get a move on. I can't afford to waste even one day, anymore.