Dear Carlos,

I fear if i don't put it here ill just scream it out loud...which i can't do. I know you're with her and i even told you to move on which yes i admit stupid on my part but i love you i loved you then so much that i gave you up for a better partner for your life. and now i have to watch and hear as you're both happy...I'm happy for you but i hate it. why is love always complicated in some way shape or form. im sorry i didn't say happy birthday I'm sorry i didn't tell you to wait like you offered i just couldn't ask you to give up your life on waiting besides you'd never ask me to do that. even when i told you finally i love you my heart soared i know we were saying goodbye, but it was still special to me. I'm trying to be less selfish and pray for you to come back but for you to be happy and protect that for you. i got you a Christmas gift but i feel dumb giving it to you now i feel like shell judge me for giving it to you...which would be valid like an ex whatever giving her man a gift odd. I'm trying not to feel like its consuming me but sometimes sometimes it is and i can't breathe and other times i don't think of you at all until it's over. i went to the beach area recently and every single time i think i wonder if you're just around the corner. i got you a keychain that spins and reveals a message saying you always have my heart. I probably won't give it to you but it's here and its true. anyways I'm sure i rambled on through this whole thing so i apologize but it's still a lot for me turmoil and all I don't cry though, nor do I get in the dark place I just sit and close my eyes and try to picture you and her and how much I don't want to ruin that. i suppose this is why they say don't date your coworkers cause then they'll also date your other coworkers. fuck im an idiot.