Dear Nobody™,

Why am I so desperate to keep this friendship alive? Is it because it's the first real one I've had in a while or is it because I'm scared of being alone again? I continue to ignore issues and push aside concerns because I put so much effort into being a good friend and I don't see that in return. I've let you cry on my shoulder dozens of times but I feel like if I start to cry about something you'll judge me and then go behind my back and tell everyone that I'm too "emotional". I know you'd do it too because I was the person that you told about how another friend was a burden when they never asked you for help in the first place. Then you claim that you're the big sister or the mom of the group that is holding everyone up but you couldn't see that I was hiding from you. I don't like how you inserted yourself into aspects of my life that are supposed to be mine and then claim that you need space and won't stick around when something happens. There is so much judgement in your heart and it makes me hate you but then I think about how I've picked you up off the floor and pieced you back together like some messed up puzzle and I think " I fixed that" so I can't just abandon it. It almost like a waking nightmare where there is a shadow sitting on my shoulder that stabs me in the side whenever you're there. I want to be free but I feel like I put myself in this situation. I hate it.