Dear My Ex Husband,

You see, I was still taking Brian's pain meds.

He tried to lock them up from me in his gun safe. But he always knew I was sneaking them. He would count his pills and know he was missing some. It was easy for me to figure out the code to his gun safe. I think I remember it being his birthday.

Since he was traveling overseas, he was not able to take his medication with them. So there the bottle was, in all its glory. Glaring at me from inside the dark vault of sin. Pain meds, muscle relaxers, all next to his guns. I would only take a few to help with the withdrawal symptoms. I took four pills... Tylenol 3. Those took the edge off for the day.

Then I came back that evening and took ten. I needed to make sure I had some on hand because he would be back from Japan soon. After each time I took the medication, I placed the bottle just in the exact location it was with the label facing in.

The day before Brian was to return to home, I went back to the safe to take more medication. Holy shit! The bottle was almost empty. He's going to know. I started to panic. He's going to yell at me. Call me a thief. Ask why I'm stealing from him.

I felt guilty and upset.
It wasn't malicious. I wasn't taking the medication to keep him from feeling better. I knew he needed it for his back. Then so did I. I liked the way it made me feel. I could deal with people at work because I felt good. I could sing and clean the house because I wasn't hurting, I was distracted. I knew I needed to stop. But how was I going to get the medication back so Brian wouldn't know I had taken so much?

I found the website Brian used to order his refills. Being his wife, I knew his passwords, his pins, his social, the login to his email account. I mean why would he not trust me with all that?? I submitted a refill for him. Hopefully it will show up soon so I can replace what I took. Then I was excited knowing that I could possibly have the prescription to myself. 120 pills of Tylenol 3 in the mail. I felt accomplished. Guess I will just deal with Brian when he gets back. I will tell him I took the pills and pray and ask for forgiveness.

Brian made it back from Japan safely. I was glad to see him and hold him. I felt love and comfort again. He had jet lag and slept most of the weekend upon his return. Leaving me to entertain myself and Cooper. I was anxiously waiting for his refill to arrive.

Brian wasn't going to go anywhere anyway; his truck was sitting in the garage with two flat tires. Before his trip to Japan, he went to his friend's house for a bender and hist a curb on the way home. He apparently drove slowly limping his truck back to the house. I was going to be the chauffeur until he decided he was ready to take his truck in to get fixed. It was thoroughly annoyed.

I don't have time to take care of someone else. He hardly took care of me when I had cancer. Now I'm driving him around as if he was broken. I was enabling his behavior. However, in the back of my mind I knew I needed to help. Who knows, someday I may need a favor.

I was able to intercept the refill I submitted for the pain medication. I replaced what was taken and kept the rest for myself. I probably had about half the bottle to myself. I was happy. I could do anything. I didn't care what Brian did or where he went. I was high on his medication. I felt satisfied. I felt good that

I was taking his medication and he didn't know. To me, it made up for his lack of wanting to be closer to me when I was going through chemo. I would take the pills in the morning. I'd carry them discretely with me to work. A couple a lunch to get me through the afternoon. Some more at night to help me sleep. I was building a tolerance, so it took more medication for me to feel good. I was taking 8 to 10 Tylenol 3 pills a day.